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The straight scoop from
Colonel Mustard

Week of Nov. 10, 1996

PASS THE ADVIL: There's no question we've got the best defense in the land. I just can't wait to see 'em rip into Detmer and Wuerffel. So who's got the second best "D"? Too often, it's whatever 11 random slobs are lined up against our own offense -- and is it ever giving me a headache! I'm gonna be up at Ames this weekend, and if we don't start making some yards on first down, I'm the guy you'll see storming out of the stands and trying to take over at QB. There are 111 teams in Division 1-A, and only one has put up worse numbers on defense than the 'Clones. If our offense doesn't get well this week, it never will.

Speaking of getting well . . .

  • Ahman insists he's healthy, but what brand of fridge was he carrying during that 70-yard run against Mizzou?
  • We did better at catching passes. Now why can't we catch a punt?
  • Frost's passing rating continues to improve, but the NCAA's computer must have one of those Pentium chips with the math glitch. He tried to force the ball to Holbein when he was covered like a blanket, and twice he didn't see the tight end wide open. Scott, baby, the season is now nine games old. When are you gonna snap out of it?

Unless it turns out there's something in the water in Ames, I don't expect our usual letdown up there this weekend. The offense will be working hard all week on making things click, and Troy Davis' presence will keep the defense motivated. I wouldn't be surprised to see us pull off a first for 1996 -- drum roll, please -- two first-quarter touchdowns. The worst part will be that when it's all over, we gotta wait almost two whole weeks before we can witness the butchering of the Buffaloes. Folks, that one ain't even gonna be close.
-- The Colonel



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