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The straight scoop from
Colonel Mustard

Week of Sept. 22, 1996

All you slobs out there who are stumbling all over each other to get off the bandwagon: good riddance! Who needs ya, anyway? Just don't come crawling back, begging for the Colonel to find you a ticket, after Dr. Tom & Co. get this offense of ours straightened out.

What can a guy say about Saturday night's debacle? Our offense was so flat and so ugly, I could have sworn I was watching a Miss Colorado pageant! Not since '68 have we looked that inept. Sure, we've been shut down a few times since then -- Alabama '78 and Miami '91 come to mind -- but those were championship defenses we were up against. ASU gave up 42 points two weeks ago. That's not a championship defense, but we made it look like one.

So now everyone who has ever clicked a remote is suddenly an expert on the quarterback and offensive line. Yes, those areas need all kinds of work. Maybe the depth chart needs a major shakeup. But all of you who have noticed how Matt Turman seemed to pick up the offense in the first two games, please repeat after me: he is not the man. He does have an important role to play, but we're kinda stuck with making things work with Mr. Frost if we wanna compete for the Big 12 title.

Not that it matters, but here's what I'd do for starters:

  • Give the Turmanator some earlier playing time -- not to develop him into the starter, but to get this offense settled down. Frost looks confused out there, and it's no accident. Here's what Phil Snow, the ASU defensive doordinator, said: "Our plan was to confuse Frost and make him check into bad plays. . . . I bet that game was a nightmare for Scott."
  • When defenses are stacked up against the run, throw some short slants that our QBs can hit. The deeper stuff just ain't working.
  • Get the team to start acting like they care. That also goes for the coaches, who could begin by seeing to it that we have 11 players on the field for every play. What a concept!
The NU defense didn't exactly dominate, but it played well enough to win -- zero TDs in the last 56 minutes. Jamel Williams, as usual, was everywhere. He's coming up with play after tremendous play at linebacker, so don't you think it's about time that Warren Swain and his radio cohorts wake up and quit calling him Ja-MAL?

Life as we've known it is over. We've just gotta start over. We've done it before. And remember this: The Sugar Bowl still ain't out of the question, because the pollsters have been unbelievably kind.
-- The Colonel



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