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Winging It, Vol. 11:

Nebraskans, Cornhuskers, Bugeaters, lend me your ears. Are you tired of spending 40-plus hours a week surfing the Internet at your place of work only to wonder why the American Dream has passed you by? Are you concerned that you have the skills and intelligence to know how many yards Nebraska rushed for against New Mexico State in 1982 (677), but are still unable to fathom why the government doesn't allow late-night taco runs to Amigo's as a tax deduction? And are you sick and tired of people from Kansas and Texas running for the Oval Office all the time and making the Big XII look bad? Boy, me too!

Folks, the Beltway special interest groups have ignored our needs for too dadgummed long. So it's time to do something about it. On Nov. 7, when you go to the polls to cast your ballot, don't bother with Republicans and Democrats. Don't even bother with the Green Party. I urge you instead to choose Red. That's right -- vote Loon.

Yup. Vote for me. Because I'm NOT a politician. I don't even own a tie. Like Joe Walsh, I'm just an ordinary, average guy. But I've got a bunch of great ideas for our country ... ideas configured after talking with people from all walks of life. And after a thousand pints of Bud Light.

For example, my first act as president would be to authorize the National Security Council to bury the state of Florida under 700 tons of shucked corn cobs. But this election is about so much more than that -- and I want to share with you each and every plank of my beechwood-aged platform.

Here's what I would do for YOU if I was elected:

-- Before declaring war on any overmatched, third-world country, Rep. Tom Osborne will appear on television to tell Americans that this particular enemy is very dangerous, should be taken very seriously and shouldn't be judged by its poor record in the past few wars. Then we will fly a B-52 over their country and drop the entire Bowden family, females included, on them.

-- White House internships will not be given on basis of good looks, but rather on the basis of whether or not the applicant has ever been a female member of University of Nebraska Cheerleading Team.

-- The incompetents at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms will be replaced by people who have expertise in those respective fields. Texas fans.

-- The president's birthday, which happens to fall on the same day as this year's Big XII Championship Game, will be declared a national holiday. By executive decree, Nebraska must represent the North Division, regardless of their conference record. Also, the opposing team must play with four men.

-- By executive order, Thifty Bowl Week will be abolished. The unused bowl cash will be seized, then put toward a worthy cause. Namely, to hire a bigger, tougher blow-up doll to kick Lil Red's ass.

-- "Hail to the Chief" will be replaced with "Hail Varsity."

-- Capital punishment laws will be reformed. Lethal injection and the electric chair will be replaced with locking the condemned in a room with a TV set, a VCR, a loaded .357 magnum and a stack of video tapes showing this year's Big Ten Games of the Week.

-- Taxes on liquor, smokes and gas will be terminated in favor of a sweeping new 9,000 percent sales tax on burnt-orange clothing.

-- If you are a college football team from Manhattan, Kan., you get a $10,000-per-player tax credit for every top ten football team your team has beaten. Until that happens, however, the money will be used to pay down the national debt.

-- It will be legal to smash in the windows of any unattended vehicle with a "Memorial Stadium -- Nebraska's Third Largest City" bumper sticker on it.

-- Maps of the U.S. will be revised to show the Great Lakes: Superior, Michigan, Huron, Erie, Ontario and McConaughey.

-- White House renovations. Out: The Presidential Ballroom. In: A Runza Hut with a salad bar.

-- The nation's capital will be moved from Washington D.C. to the corner barstool at Barry's Bar.

-- Executive privilege will NOT be used to disburse federal moneys to compensate college football players. Even with projected budget surpluses over the next biennium, there is simply not enough room in the federal coffers to keep pace with what generous alumni already dish out.

-- The phrase on pieces of currency will change from "E. Pluribus Unum" to "Go Big Fed."

-- The superfluous, unnecessary color blue will be stricken from the American flag.

-- To make the desolate college basketball season move along more quickly, the rules of the game will be amended so that the sport is played outdoors on a grass field with 11 players per side. Also, an oblong leather ball will be used, with each "basket" counting for six points.

-- The Public Broadcasting System will be replaced with HuskerVision.

-- Public hangings will be reinstated and used whenever appropriate. The seven men who officiated Texas' 24-20 win over Nebraska in 1999 shall be the first group to test the new equipment.

-- The 25th Amendment will be altered to provide that in case the president dies in office, he will be succeeded by Toniu Fonoti.

-- The playing of the song "Who Let The Dogs Out" inside ANY sporting venue will be considered a federal offense, punishable by a $1,000 fine and/or a bullet to the left side of the head of anyone who says, "Cool!"

-- By focusing on speed rather than size, defense spending will be cut in half.

And ...

-- Beating up on the Cornhuskers will still be a First Amendment right for a sportswriter. So will beating up a sportswriter.

One Nation, Underwhelmed. Get behind your candidate at THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.