R E D C L A D L O O N
Winging It, Vol. 3
Do you talk smack at the sports bars? How about on those hack radio sports
talk shows? Or maybe even the online message boards and chat rooms? Chances
are, then, that in your dealings with belligerent Buffaloes, Longhorns and
Wildcats, you've probably struggled to find the right word from time to time.
Pity! But luckily, I am here to help. Keep the Encyclopedia Nebraskanica -- this
spiffy, red-covered reference guide you now peruse -- with you at all times. ------ ABC: 1. - American Broadcasting Company, the home of Dennis Miller, Regis
Philbin and the Bowl Championship Series. 2. - The one-stop shop for college
football, now that the group has monopolized rights to the BCS and any
worthwhile regular-season game in the contiguous 48 states. ADVERSITY: 1. - Unfortunate Events That Happen To A Football Team. This
includes injuries, an early-season loss, bad officiating and, usually,
players in trouble with the law. 2. - Something that a team always overcomes
on its way to victory. AMES COLLEGE: Home of the Cyclones. Known in some circles as "Iowa State
University." ALDRICH: 1. - To fail at an easily attainable task; to choke (i.e. "Bob
missed a two-foot putt the other day. He really aldriched that one"). 2 -
Former Colorado Buffalo kicker Jeremy, who still sees "Wide Right" in his
sleep. AUSTIN POWERS: 1. - The shagadelic, supernatural ability possessed by the
Texas Longhorns to make unlikely second-half pass plays and upset heavily
favored Nebraska teams. 2. - The 1990s incarnation of Sooner Magic. BIG TEN: Eleven-member athletic conference that has admission policies so
strict that only rocket scientists, brain surgeons and Andy Katzenmoyer can
be admitted. However, they have no mathematicians to point out the numerical
flaw in the conference's name. (See BIG 11.) BIG 10 BANDWAGON: Roving vehicle that has scoured Columbus, Ohio; State
College, Pa.; and Ann Arbor, Mich., extensively in the past several years. It
has relocated to Madison, Wisc., this August, but if the Badgers don't
produce, it's ready to roll to West Lafayette, Ind., to push Drew Brees'
Hypesman campaign. (See also ABC, ESPN.) BIG 11: There is no Big 11. Go back to Big Ten. BOBFATHER: The adulation-filled nickname for Bob Devaney, the creator of the
modern-day Big Red Machine. BUFFALOES: The preferred post-Thanksgiving meal for Nebraskans for the last
nine years. Took a little longer than usual to clean our plates last year,
though. CASE OF THE YIPS: Fumblitis. (See also DROP THE CHALUPA, F-BOMB.) CLASS: A quality possessed by fans of other teams that NU fans like. (i.e.
"Boy, Tennessee fans sure have a lot of class.") CLASSLESS: 1. - An adjective that describes fans of teams that NU fans do not
like. 2. - An adjective that describes fans of teams that beat Nebraska.
(i.e. "Face it, Texas fans are just classless.") COMPARATIVE SCORE THINKING: Flawed logic that seeks to establish a pecking
order based on two teams' scores against common opponents. For example, in
1999, Kansas State routed Kansas 50-9. That same year, Nebraska struggled to
beat the Jayhawks 24-17. Therefore, using Comparative Score Thinking, KSU
should have steamrolled over Nebraska. A very airtight theory, as you can
see. (See also TRANSITIVE PROPERTY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL.) CONTROVERSY: The element that, no matter what, surrounds everything in
college football. CORNHUSKER: 1. - One who husks corn, silly. 2. - Anyone from Nebraska, anyone
who played for Nebraska, anyone who has relatives in Nebraska, or anyone who
has happened to fly over Nebraska on one of those LA to NY flights. We're not
picky. (See also RED CLAD LOON.) CORNVICTS: Overused anti-Husker nickname for the entire Nebraska football
program. This obviously applies most to guys like Aaron Graham, Brook
Berringer and Kenny Walker. (See also CRIM-UNLs, CANES OF THE PLAINS.) CRIMINOLES: The team most likely to play the Cornvicts in Miami this year for
the whole bar of soap. COUNTING CROWS: 1. - A popular American rock band. 2. - Iowa Hawkeye fans,
who usually struggle to keep up as they try to tally all the points being
scored against their team. DANIMAL: Nebraska I-back Dan Alexander, who can be easily tracked by his
frequent droppings. However, he often rips apart those who try to cage him. DUKE, The: 1. - Marion Michael Morrison, a.k.a. John Wayne, the master of the
shoot-em-up movie. 2. - The cult nickname for NU wingback Bobby Newcombe.
Mixed with Bobby's last name, the finished moniker is a dead ringer for the
popular shoot-em-up computer game "Duke Nukem." ERIC THE RED: 1. - The man who discovered Greenland in 981 and established
the first European settlement in the New World. Born in Norway in the
mid-10th Century, he was descended from Viking chieftains. 2. - Nebraska
quarterback Eric Crouch. Born in Nebraska in the late 20th Century, NU's
latter-day Eric The Red may discover some serious green if he is someday
drafted by the Vikings. Or the Raiders or Buccanneers, even. ESPN: Connecticut-based sports information network that switches favorites
faster than Hal Mumme can change quarterbacks. Regardless, it shows a Big Ten
(yawn) game of the week for the perusal of the entire country while other
conferences must settle for regional coverage. F-BOMB: 1. - A vulgarity, not to be confused with "dadgummit", often used in
response to an opponent's touchdown, an opponent's field goal or a Cornhusker
turnover. 2. - A Husker fumble. (See also CASE OF THE YIPS.) FIELDTURFSTUFF: The fake-fake grass surface of Tom Osborne Field, as opposed
to the real-fake grass it used to have. FIGHTING IRISH: An example of a redundancy. FOOTLOOSE: Matt Davison, the jukin', jivin', jitterbuggin' split end whose
most famous reception came off of Shevin Wiggins' Size Nine boot on Nov. 8,
1997. FOX SPORTS: Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin', Rupert Murdoch-owned fledgling
sports network. Still, this is a better station than ESPN because FOX employs
Jon Kelley, a former Husker, as a College Football anchor while former
Colorado Buffalo Chris Fowler works for ESPN. GIGANTINO, ARTIE: Mobbed-up FOX Sports analyst who often commentates
"Nee-BRAY-sker" football contests. GREEN MILE: 1. - 1999 film starring Michael Clark Duncan based on a Stephen
King work. 2. - Hulking NU defensive tackle Patrick Kabongo, who makes Duncan
look like Mini-Me. HYPESMAN MEMORIAL TROPHY: A hunk of sculpted bronze given away each year to
the Big Ten school with the biggest marketing budget. JUDD THE STUD: Nebraska fullback Judd Davies, whose plowhorse-like runs have
four years left to terrorize the Big 12 and make the BCS a permanent home. KCASA: The Kansas College of Applied Science and Agriculture, which sports a
purple feline as its mascot. Some people like to call this school by its
trendy new name, "Kansas State University." (See WILDCATS.) KILLING FIELD: The artificial lawn on which Nebraska decimates visiting
opponents in a manner so vicious it makes Pol Pot look like Richie
Cunningham. (See MEMORIAL STADIUM.) LOMBARDI BROWN: Nickname for Mack Brown, in honor of Longhorn fans'
assertions that he is the greatest coach in the history of the planet. L.P.-ARANOIA: Post-traumatic stress disorder from 1995 that afflicts many
Cornhusker fans. This condition manifests itself in reflexive tendencies to
believe that every story in the national media about Nebraska football is
negative, regardless of its content. (See also V.E.C.C.U.C.) MISTY'S: 1. - Popular pregame eating establishment in Havelock. 2. - How the
eyes of Cornhusker fans get when HuskerVision shows highlights of the finale
of the 1984 Orange Bowl vs. Miami. MOBILE QUARTERBACK THEORY: The Huskerian belief that mobile, fast
quarterbacks cause Nebraska's attack-minded, 4-3 defense trouble. This is
opposed to slow, stationary quarterbacks causing Nebraska's defense trouble. MNC: Mythical National Championship. Important -- the word "mythical" is
added to this phrase when trying to belittle a team's ascent to the apex of
the college football world. Simply drop "mythical" when validating your own
team's success. MICHIGAN WOLVERINES: Team based in Ann Arbor, Mich., that won the 1997
Mythical National Championship. NEBRASKA CORNHUSKERS: Team based in Lincoln, Neb., that won the 1997 National
Championship. NUMBER-ONE-N.U.-TO-NUMBER-ONE-YOU THEORY: A Huskercentric assertion that the
Cornhuskers had an invisible hand in both the 1996 Florida and the 1998
Tennessee national championships. Before each of those teams' championship
years, both were beaten soundly by Nebraska in a bowl game. See, those
whuppins obviously gave the Vols and Gators the experience necessary to win
it all one year later. OSBORNE, Tom: 1. - Godlike, moral leader (within Nebraska). 2. - Godless,
immoral leader (outside Nebraska). PIPELINE: A complex, well-oiled, five-piece apparatus that fuels the Big Red
Machine. PRESEASON RANKING FORMULA: The basic tool used by the likes of STREET &
SMITH's, ATHLON's, etc. when determining college football teams' starting
poll position. Mathematically, it looks like this: p(r) = r (s) + t (r). That
is, "a team's preseason ranking is exactly equal to the number of returning
starters plus the number of tough road games they play." REBUILDING: The phrase in which the Texas Longhorn football program
perpetually exists. RED CLAD LOON: 1. - One who cheers viciously and vociferously for the
University of Nebraska Cornhuskers. 2. - Yours truly. S.O.S.: 1. - "Strength of Schedule," a vital component to the Bowl
Championship Series equations, even though SOS rankings are impossible to
calculate accurately until the last two teams play the final game of the
season. 2. - A three-letter distress signal sent from Manhattan, Kan., when
this heavily weighted factor was added to the BCS formula. SCHEDULE DYSLEXIA: When fans of one college football program ignore their own
patsies and point out their team's one or two tough opponents, all the while
denouncing the few pushovers on other teams' schedules. (i.e. "Michigan
battled Ohio State and Wisconsin en route to its share of the '97 title,
while Nebraska feasted on Akron and Central Florida.") "SIRIUS" : 1. - The canned anthem that plays when the boys in red run out of
the tunnel. 2. - Frank Solich's mood 99.9 percent of the time. STEAMBOAT WILLIE: 1. - The name of the simplistic cartoon episode that marked
the first appearance of the American cultural icon, Mickey Mouse. 2. - The
moniker for No. 15, Willie Miller, who is usually as quiet as a church mouse
until he breaks one off for a big gainer. SWAIN, Warren: Announcer hired by UNL's psychology department in an
experiment to see how many people can fall asleep while listening to the
radio in the middle of the day. THE YEAHWELL REFLEX: An instinctive rationalizing mechanism possessed by all
Nebraska fans. The reflex usually occurs following a rare Cornhusker loss.
(i.e. "So your team beat the Huskers! Yeah, well, Nebraska STILL has 39
consecutive winning seasons, has been ranked for an NCAA-record 391 straight
weeks, has 220 consecutive sellouts ..."). TICKLE-ME: The sponsor for the Alamo Bowl, the scene of Kansas State's
historic 1998 atomic meltdown. TRANSITIVE PROPERTY OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL: Flawed one-upsmanship technique
among fans of two teams that will never meet. It says if Team A beats Team B,
and Team B beats Team C, then Team A is obviously better than Team C. (i.e.
"In 1999, NC State beat Texas 24-20. Texas also beat Nebraska 24-20.
Therefore, NC State would beat Nebraska by eight points.") (See also
COMPARATIVE SCORE THEORY.) V.E.C.C.U.C.: Vast East-Coast Conspiracy to Undermine the Cornhuskers. The
belief that members of the national media, particularly those who reside
along the Eastern seaboard, have nothing better to do than dream up ways to
screw with Nebraska. (See also MNC, LP-ARANOIA.) VEGAS SHOCK SYNDROME: The surprise that TV announcers have when a heavy
underdog plays Nebraska closer than the inflated pointspreads in Las Vegas
said they would. (i.e., Brent Musburger in the 1996 Big 12 Championship Game.) WE: Nebraska Cornhuskers football team. (i.e., "Boy, WE sure have a great
offense this year!") However, you didn't see any of "us" sweating through
two-a-days with Eric Crouch this August. WEST COAST OFFENSE: Every offense in college football that attempts at least
one short pass per game. WHORNS: The Texas Longhorns. (a.k.a. The Beef, The Cattle, The Cows.) WILDCATS: Kansas State University, a school whose student government recently
voted to make Nebraska KSU's "official rival." In a nice piece of diplomacy,
Nebraska's student government laughed, then assigned a campus improvement
committee to polish all of the Sears Trophies. WIN: What Nebraska does, and does well. It's one of just a half-dozen
universities to win more than 700 games. ====================--
THE ENCYCLOPEDIA NEBRASKANICA
(Updated 2000 Edition)
8/23/00
==STEVE==
Dream On. See NU '94 take on PSU '94 in the Dream Bowl at THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.
http://www.redcladloon.com