H U S K E R D A N
It's time once
again, for Dear Aunt Rosie. Remember, she's
been giving Husker fans advice for over 50 years. This is her second time
on Huskerpedia. She's getting on in years, but is still as sharp as
ever.
Dear Aunt Rosie
"She's the
voice of reason during the football season."
Dear Aunt
Rosie:
Please help me!! It's
my sister-in-law. All she does is complain that the seats she has at
Memorial Stadium are getting smaller each year and that she has no room to sit
any more. She's convinced that it's Bill Byrne's way
of making up the cost of the damn gas-hog SUVs (as she puts
it) the coaches and the AD people drive. She thinks Byrne
is still the director! I mean, how dumb can you get? Anyways, the
old battle axe can't get it though her thick head that maybe, just maybe
her butt's gotten bigger on account of 35 years of stuffing herself
with Twinkies and Big Macs. I mean, her stretch pants are thinner
than Congress' integrity. How can I let her know without hurting her
feelings, that smaller seats aren't the problem? I'll wait for your
answer.
(name
withheld)
Winnetoon,
NE
Dear
Winnetoon:
Land sakes, what a
story! Aunt Rosie can relate to your sis-in-law's, ahem, "expansion"
problems. Rosie used to be quite a slim gal, back in her day,
but has added a few extra pounds over the years
herself. That little milquetoast husband of mine doesn't seem to
care...If he did, I'd bash his brains in! Just kidding, of course.
Ha-ha-ha!!
Now where was
I? Oh yes. You think your sis-in-law with the plump rump doesn't
know her wazzu is the size of Wahoo? Trust me, she knows. What
you're saying is, that YOU'LL feel better knowing that she knows. In the
big picture, who really cares? She knows it. You know it and
the poor slobs crammed next to her at the games also know it.
Forget about telling her. Remember, fat is in the rear of the
beholder. Good luck,
dearie.
**********************************************************************
Dear Aunt
Rosie:
I hope you can help
me. It's my grandpa. I used to like watching the games with him and
stuff. I'm only 11 years old and I think one of these days,
he's going to croak while he watches Nebraska on tv. He gets all
red-faced and screams into the tv, "Lord, you suck!" or "You should have went to
Minnesota, Solich!" Especially when Lord throws into double coverage
(whatever that means) or when Solich won't play that new kid
everybody's so ga-ga over.
Grandpa can
really guzzle the beer on game days, too. (Maybe it should be called Game
Daze! Ha-ha-ha!) Anyways, he bashed in the side of the tv set
at the Penn State game last week, he got so mad. And he can
swear a blue streak. Oh boy, if I ever said those words I'd be grounded
for so long, I'd be retired by the time I got out. I'd like to keep
watching the games with him because he promised to take me to a game down in
Lincoln someday if I'm real good. What should I do. I'll wait to hear
from you.
Your
friend,
Bobby
F.
Cody,
NE
Dear
Bobby:
My oh my, what a
problem! Your grandpappy is a little, let's say, passionate, about the
Huskers. But you're afraid he might expire before he can fulfill his
pledge to take you to a game at Memorial Stadium, right? Land sakes,
what's a young boy to do? And on top of everything else, your
granddad sloshes the suds a bit much and is in need of some anger
management. But what the hey, nobody's perfect. Like my
granddad used to say, we're all just works in progress. To
keep your grandpa healthy and control his anger, you might
write Frank Solich a letter telling him that your grandpappy will live
longer if he benches Lord and plays Joe Dailey. Who knows, Coach
Solich might listen to you. He sure as blazes won't listen to any of
us. Have a great time in Lincoln at the game. Good luck,
dearie.
**************************************
Dear Aunt
Rosie:
I'm getting a
divorce from my dippy, no-good husband. The problem is, he insists on
keeping our two season tickets to the Husker games. He says, "You don't
know squat about football so I should get the tickets. End of story". It's
true, I might not know a an I-back from a backpack, but I go to the games and
root for the Huskers and yell loud and stuff anyway. And besides, the
tickets have been in MY family since Bobby Reynolds was in diapers. I
mean, give me a break. They're MY tickets and I should have them, not that
ingrate, wife-cheating SOB I'm divorcing. What do you think I should
do?
Mabel
M.
Sleet City,
NE
Dear
Mabel:
Oh my, divorces can be real
ugly when there are kids, houses, condos, investments, time-shares, jewelry,
pets, artwork and Kenny G albums in the mix, but when they involve Husker
tickets, well, it makes Tikrit look like Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood. What's
a girl to do? Aunt Rosie isn't too cozy with the idea of your husband
getting possession of the ducats, even if he knows more about football than you
do. The real issue here, is, what's honorable. Since you brought the
tickets to the marriage, it seems only right that they should stay with
you. Get a vicious, attack-dog attorney who is experienced with
custody issues like this one. You'll be glad you did. Good luck,
dearie.
*******************************************
Dear Aunt
Rosie:
I've
been collecting tapes of Husker football TV games for over 20
years. My brother, Murray, who lives in Grand Island, has taped
all the games for me for more than twenty years and has sent them to me
every time the Huskers have played on TV. You wouldn't believe my
postage bills!
The problem is my
wife, Sybil, is tired of the "mess", she says. "What a bunch of
junk," she rants. She wants to throw out my collection because
she says I'll never watch them. I tell her that I will
watch them. Just give me time.
"You should live
so long," she warns.
I have everything
from the Scoring Explosion to this year's Scoring Implosion. It's hard to
tell someone who doesn't like football ("So what's the purpose? A bunch of
kvetches chasing a little ball so they can say they're tougher than the other
guy. I just don't get it, never will," she says.)
I try to tell her
that those football tapes mean a lot to me. "Never mind," she
says. "I'm going to toss all of them the next time you're not
looking." Such a headache she's giving me!
What would you do if
you were in my shoes?
Bernie
F.
Shuffle Board,
Florida
Dear
Bernie:
Oh, my gracious!! What
would I do if I were married to Cruella DeVil, you ask? Join the French
Foreign Legion, divorce the broad, step in front of a bus,
do volunteer work in Iraq. Those are a few options that come to
mind. Land sakes, Aunt Rosie doesn't understand the intolerance so many
people show toward others' hobbies-especially those that involve
Husker football.
Aunt Rosie would store the
tapes off site, at a bank, some place safe. Whenever you want to watch
one, check it out, bring it home and when you're done, take it back. Just
like Blockbusters but you'll never have to pay a late charge. Once the
tapes are off the premises, your wife will have to think of something else to
rag about. Until then, enjoy the games. Good luck,
dearie.
You can write Aunt
Rosie and Husker Dan at: