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H U S K E R    D A N
 
It's time once again, for Dear Aunt Rosie.  Remember, she's been giving Husker fans advice for over 50 years.  This is her second time on Huskerpedia.  She's getting on in years, but is still as sharp as ever.
     Dear Aunt Rosie
"She's the voice of reason during the football season."
 
Dear Aunt Rosie:
Please help me!!  It's my sister-in-law.  All she does is complain that the seats she has at Memorial Stadium are getting smaller each year and that she has no room to sit any more.  She's convinced that it's Bill Byrne's way of making up the cost of the damn gas-hog SUVs (as she puts it) the coaches and the AD people drive.  She thinks Byrne is still the director!  I mean, how dumb can you get?  Anyways, the old battle axe can't get it though her thick head that maybe, just maybe her butt's gotten bigger on account of 35 years of stuffing herself with Twinkies and Big Macs.  I mean, her stretch pants are thinner than Congress' integrity.  How can I let her know without hurting her feelings, that smaller seats aren't the problem?  I'll wait for your answer.
(name withheld)
Winnetoon, NE
Dear Winnetoon:
Land sakes, what a story!  Aunt Rosie can relate to your sis-in-law's, ahem, "expansion" problems.  Rosie used to be quite a slim gal, back in her day, but has added a few extra pounds over the years herself.  That little milquetoast husband of mine doesn't seem to care...If he did, I'd bash his brains in!  Just kidding, of course.  Ha-ha-ha!! 
 
Now where was I?  Oh yes.  You think your sis-in-law with the plump rump doesn't know her wazzu is the size of Wahoo?  Trust me, she knows.  What you're saying is, that YOU'LL feel better knowing that she knows.  In the big picture, who really cares?  She knows it.  You know it and the poor slobs crammed next to her at the games also know it.  Forget about telling her.  Remember, fat is in the rear of the beholder.  Good luck, dearie.
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Dear Aunt Rosie:
I hope you can help me.  It's my grandpa.  I used to like watching the games with him and stuff.  I'm only 11 years old and I think one of these days, he's going to croak while he watches Nebraska on tv.  He gets all red-faced and screams into the tv, "Lord, you suck!" or "You should have went to Minnesota, Solich!"  Especially when Lord throws into double coverage (whatever that means) or when Solich won't play that new kid everybody's so ga-ga over. 
 
Grandpa can really guzzle the beer on game days, too.  (Maybe it should be called Game Daze!  Ha-ha-ha!)  Anyways, he bashed in the side of the tv set at the Penn State game last week, he got so mad.  And he can swear a blue streak.  Oh boy, if I ever said those words I'd be grounded for so long, I'd be retired by the time I got out.  I'd like to keep watching the games with him because he promised to take me to a game down in Lincoln someday if I'm real good.  What should I do. I'll wait to hear from you.
Your friend,
Bobby F.
Cody, NE
Dear Bobby:
My oh my, what a problem!  Your grandpappy is a little, let's say, passionate, about the Huskers.  But you're afraid he might expire before he can fulfill his pledge to take you to a game at Memorial Stadium, right?  Land sakes, what's a young boy to do?  And on top of everything else, your granddad sloshes the suds a bit much and is in need of some anger management.  But what the hey, nobody's perfect.  Like my granddad used to say, we're all just works in progress.  To keep your grandpa healthy and control his anger, you might write Frank Solich a letter telling him that your grandpappy will live longer if he benches Lord and plays Joe Dailey.  Who knows, Coach Solich might listen to you.  He sure as blazes won't listen to any of us.  Have a great time in Lincoln at the game.  Good luck, dearie.
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Dear Aunt Rosie:
I'm getting a divorce from my dippy, no-good husband.  The problem is, he insists on keeping our two season tickets to the Husker games.  He says, "You don't know squat about football so I should get the tickets.  End of story". It's true, I might not know a an I-back from a backpack, but I go to the games and root for the Huskers and yell loud and stuff anyway.  And besides, the tickets have been in MY family since Bobby Reynolds was in diapers.  I mean, give me a break.  They're MY tickets and I should have them, not that ingrate, wife-cheating SOB I'm divorcing.  What do you think I should do?
Mabel M.
Sleet City, NE
Dear Mabel:
Oh my, divorces can be real ugly when there are kids, houses, condos, investments, time-shares, jewelry, pets, artwork and Kenny G albums in the mix, but when they involve Husker tickets, well, it makes Tikrit look like Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood.  What's a girl to do?  Aunt Rosie isn't too cozy with the idea of your husband getting possession of the ducats, even if he knows more about football than you do.  The real issue here, is, what's honorable.  Since you brought the tickets to the marriage, it seems only right that they should stay with you.  Get a vicious, attack-dog attorney who is experienced with custody issues like this one. You'll be glad you did.  Good luck, dearie.
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Dear Aunt Rosie:
I've been collecting tapes of Husker football TV games for over 20 years.  My brother, Murray, who lives in Grand Island, has taped all the games for me for more than twenty years and has sent them to me every time the Huskers have played on TV.  You wouldn't believe my postage bills!
 
The problem is my wife, Sybil,  is tired of the "mess", she says.  "What a bunch of junk," she rants.  She wants to throw out my collection because she says I'll never watch them.  I tell her that I will watch them.  Just give me time.
 
"You should live so long," she warns.
 
I have everything from the Scoring Explosion to this year's Scoring Implosion.  It's hard to tell someone who doesn't like football ("So what's the purpose?  A bunch of kvetches chasing a little ball so they can say they're tougher than the other guy.  I just don't get it, never will," she says.)
 
I try to tell her that those football tapes mean a lot to me.  "Never mind," she says.  "I'm going to toss all of them the next time you're not looking."  Such a headache she's giving me!
 
What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Bernie F.
Shuffle Board, Florida
Dear Bernie: 
Oh, my gracious!!  What would I do if I were married to Cruella DeVil, you ask?  Join the French Foreign Legion, divorce the broad, step in front of a bus, do volunteer work in Iraq.  Those are a few options that come to mind.  Land sakes, Aunt Rosie doesn't understand the intolerance so many people show toward others' hobbies-especially those that involve Husker football.
 
Aunt Rosie would store the tapes off site, at a bank, some place safe.  Whenever you want to watch one, check it out, bring it home and when you're done, take it back.  Just like Blockbusters but you'll never have to pay a late charge.  Once the tapes are off the premises, your wife will have to think of something else to rag about.  Until then, enjoy the games.  Good luck, dearie.
 
You can write Aunt Rosie and Husker Dan at:
huskerdan@cox.net