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Winging It, Vol. 19


1 - Trying to drown their sorrows after being stripped of their manhood on national TV, the 14 Northwestern Wildcats who survived the Alamo Bowl buy a $2.99 bottle of Jack Daniels and partake in a few more cheap shots.

3 - Though equipped with a million-dollar arm, 29-year-old former baseball player Chris Weinke shows off his 10-cent head as his Florida State Seminoles lose the national championship to Oklahoma, 13-2, in 10 innings.

4 - Freshman Congressman Tom Osborne drafts his first bill. If passed, "E. Pluribus Unum" would be replaced on the back of paper money with "Go Big Fed."

10 - At halftime of an Oklahoma basketball game, OU Football Coach Bob Stoops says he's staying at OU, despite George Steinbrenner's $100 million offer for him to coach the Yankee defense.

27 - The Cleveland Browns defeat the New York Titans in Super Bowl MCMXVIIIXMCMI, prompting approximately 14,000 frontrunner-adhering St. Louis Rams fans to quickly drive to the closest mall and buy Ray Lewis jerseys.


2 - Millions watch on national TV as former Cornhusker Jamel Williams prepares to christen the all-new XFL by competing in the league's first-ever "competitive coin toss." Eight seconds later, he wins possession of the football, but by that time the TV audience consists of one Gladys Gonzebaum of Tyrone, Georgia.

8 - Texas Longhorn fans celebrate their school's third straight AP National Recruiting Championship, but erupt in furious rage 30 minutes later when they learn Florida State has edged them out in the Coaches' Poll.


4 - The acclaimed HBO mob drama "The Sopranos" returns for its third season to critical accolades. In the first episode, Tony's crew repeatedly denies assertions from the Pesavento gang that they are the Sopranos' main rivals.

17 - At O'Rourke's Bar in downtown Lincoln, a glowing apparition of Bob Devaney suddenly staggers in, orders a Harp Lager, and asks where all the good-looking women are.

19 - Harvey Perlman of York is chosen as UNL's newest chancellor. In his first day in office, he promises to give the State of Nebraska "a university that the football team can be proud of."


1 - Rick Neuheisel celebrates his 12th birthday and gets his braces off, too, all in one day.

11 - In an exclusive online interview posted at www.quanrichmond.com, highly coveted high-school athlete Quan Richmond reports that he's "70 percent committed that Rivals.com will probably go under by the end of the week."

12 - Panic grips the nation when Rivals.com goes out of business. The tension is broken, however, when online Cornhusker fans finally see the opportunity to discover what the Internet is all about: Porn.

14 - Sandro DeAnglelis boots a second-half field goal to help the injured Red reserves beat the injured White reserves. The three-pointer adds 0.01 to Nebraska's BCS ranking.


1- Chad May celebrates the holiday that bears his name during his lunch break from The Gap.

17 - During a drunken brawl with a Lincoln man over a girl, Nebraska kicker Josh Brown proves that kickers can, in fact, tackle.

31 - The Los Angeles Lakers win their second straight NBA title. As is the tradition when a team wins a major sporting event, George W. Bush calls up L.A.'s coach, Phil Jackson, and asks him to join his Cabinet.


2 - Nebraska defeats the Rice Owls, earning the school's first College World Series berth. Upon learning of the news, a joyous Husker Nation exclaims: "Huh?"

6 - Sen. Jim Jeffords of Vermont swings Senate control to the Democrats by becoming an Independent. Now free of conference ties, he also decides to negotiate with NBC to get an exclusive television contract.

8 - Thousands of Nebraska Cornhusker fans converge on Omaha's Rosenblatt Stadium to try to catch a glimpse of Eric Crouch so he can sign their No. 7 jerseys.

10 - The Huskers are swept out of the College World Series in two straight games. Frank Solich thanks Dave Van Horn for the quick exit, knowing full well he'd have trouble attracting blue-chip football recruits to a baseball school.

20 - Slobodan Milosevic is handed over to The Hague and charged with human rights atrocities, such as genocide, ethnic cleansing and unabashed opposition to Title IX.

21 - Topping important world headlines, Athlon's National College Football Magazine ranks Nebraska No. 2, which incidentally knocks another 0.01 from NU's BCS total.


4 - Nebraskans celebrate their precious liberties, such as freedom of religion, freedom to bear arms and, most importantly, freedom of expression -- as long as you don't criticize the Huskers, that is.

17 - Bobby Newcombe gets a birthday card from his biggest admirer. Bobby Newcombe.

21 - Thunder Collins and his girlfriend lovingly celebrate their six-month anniversary by engaging in a two-out-of-three falls full-contact boxing match.

28 - Linebacker Randy Stella is kicked off the team after coaches discover Jon Dawson's beeper number in his pocket.


7- Husker Rush End Demoine Adams graduates in record time with a 4.0 average, which results in another 0.01-point reduction from NU's Bowl Championship Series points.

19 - Looking forward to Sept. 8's showdown against Notre Dame, Nebraska I-Back Dahrran Diedrick is thrown in the pokey for challenging an Irish guy to a fight in Mickey's Pub.

23 - The long-anticipated first day of the Nebraska Alumni Association's exclusive Champions Club is nearly ruined when Billy Jack Runnels, a 47-year-old janitor at Anselmo-Merna High School who makes $17,500 a year, wanders in and asks to use the bathroom. He is shot.

25 - Nebraska struggles past TCU in the Pigskin Classic. By the middle of the third quarter, fans are annoyed, angry and tense, and that's just about the fact that NU is wearing ugly knee-high red socks this season.

26 - Moments after Colorado loses a preseason game at home to Fresno State by a score of 24-22, Buffs Coach Gary Barnett is shocked to learn that in American football, a field goal is worth three points.


1 - During the fourth quarter of NU's 42-14 win over Troy State, HuskerVision implores Nebraska fans to wear all red for the following week's game against Notre Dame. As a further example of what color to wear, cameras show the faces of the Cornhusker offensive line.

6 - Fighting Irish Coach Bob Davie suggests that Nebraska has an unfair advantage because the game is at Memorial Stadium, because Notre Dame has yet to play a game, and because ND has scripted its first offensive play to be a fumbled handoff.

8 - The most bizarre play in Memorial Stadium since J.J. Flanigan's 1988 "phantom fumble" occurs with three minutes left in the second quarter, when a parachuting Sen. Ben Nelson lands butt-first on Carlyle Holiday's head, forcing him to throw an incompletion on third down.

11 - Suddenly, that Oklahoma game doesn't seem so life-or-death after all.

20 - Following Gov. Bush's suggestion that a tragedy-struck nation should try to get back to normal as soon as possible, Nebraska decides to run up the score on an outmanned visiting team from an inferior conference. Nebraskans feel better about things for about, oh, four hours.

22 - Before each snap of the ball, North Carolina defender Julius Peppers convinces Florida State quarterback Chris Rix that the football is radioactive. As a result, Peppers recovers 42 fumbles and intercepts a pass in the Tar Heels' 41-9 emasculating of the Noles. And finally, a wounded nation has something to rejoice about.

29 - In Columbia, Mo., Eric Crouch drops back to throw, eludes a sack, then runs 95 yards to immortality. In his mountainous Afghan hideout, an awestruck John Saunders takes the opportunity to suggest that Crouch can't throw, then introduces six consecutive Zak Kustok highlights.


5 - ESPN shows an Eric Crouch special in which it is divulged that the NU quarterback has a 1-year-old daughter with his girlfriend. Thinking that the online rumors were true for all those years, gay bars across the state observe a disappointed moment of silence.

6 - Dan Vili Waldrop has trouble tying his shoes. Nebraska has no trouble with Iowa State.

7 - As airstrikes pound Kabul, Gov. Bush tells the country to prepare for a protracted struggle in Afghanistan, and urges everyone to get back to the way things used to be. Following Bush's orders, Kansas State gets off to an 0-4 start in the Big 12.

13 - In a landmark ruling, the Nebraska Supreme Court decides, by a 5-4 vote, that Herbie should go along on Husker road trips instead of Lil Red.

18 - Lincoln postal carrier Diane Ogden is the first person voted off "Survivor-Africa," expressing relief that, though she lost out on $1 million, at least she would be back in Nebraska in time for the Oklahoma game.

20 - In yet another meaningless game, Texas beats Colorado by five touchdowns, dropping the Buffaloes' preseason record to 5-2.

23 - University of Nebraska police arrest Jon Dawson for jaywalking and discover, during a routine search, that his coat pockets contain 1.7 million pounds of marijuana and Randy Stella's cell phone number. He beats the rap, however, when he tells officers that as part of his knee rehab, he needs the substance for medicinal purposes.

26 - With OU-NU looming, ESPN GameDay arrives in Lincoln. Chris Fowler continues to crack Nebraska jokes, Kirk Herbstreit continues to break down all the matchups and Lee Corso continues to fracture the English language.

27 - With six minutes left in the battle against top-ranked Oklahoma, 14-year-old wideout Mike Stuntz hits wide-open Eric Crouch for a razzle-dazzle touchdown. Later that night, he loses his virginity.


3 - In a 51-7 tromping of Kansas, Nebraska gets its tenth win, and its eighth home game a week early.

10 - In a widely hailed legal decision, a federal judge rules that Kansas State's Aaron Lockett is officially overrated.

16 - "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," which is about an 11-year-old wizard, hits theaters. Thinking he's an option quarterback, Rivals.com exclusively reports that Alabama, Air Force and Georgia Tech are all showing interest in the kid.

17 - In their final preseason warmup before their first regular-season game, Colorado defeats Iowa State 40-27.

22 - In the ongoing heroic effort to help the state make ends meet, Frank Solich lays off Defensive Coordinator Craig Bohl and replaces him with a speech communications graduate student who institutes a unique new verbal tackling system.

23 - Nebraska gains 500 yards and scores 36 points, and the quarterback sets a school record for yardage. Problem is, the defense spent the entire afternooon with Chandra Levy.

25 - The first of 739 letters to Nebraska newspapers appears from Cornhusker fans describing how awful they were treated at Folsom Field. Seven are retracted, however, after the letter-writers realize that they mistakenly went to Folsom Prison on Nov. 23 instead.


1 - Texas, despite having Mack Brown as their coach, stages a furious rally in the Big XII title game against Colorado, who still wins despite having Gary Barnett as their coach.

6 - UNL speech pathology professors are stumped as they discover a stunning new array of words appearing in Nebraskans' vocabularies, including "jambalaya," "gumbo," "Baton Rouge," and "fluky Rose Bowl berth."

7 - TCU defeats Southern Miss, 14-12, in a Conference USA game. A total of 17 people across 49 states notice the results. In Nebraska, Chancellor Perlman calls off classes for the following Monday so students can continue to celebrate.

8 - Eric Crouch wins the Heisman Trophy. Instantly, a one-year moratorium on ripping the award's selection process is implemented in Nebraska. Four hours later, LSU beats Tennessee, prompting the Lamb of God to open the seventh seal.

9 - Thanks to Athlon's preseason ratings, Demoine Adams' grades and the results of the Spring Game, Nebraska edges out Colorado in the BCS rankings, sending the Huskers to the Rose Bowl as an at-large team. Dissent starts to grow, along with the throbbing purple vein on Gary Barnett's forehead.

13 - George O' Leary says he lied on his resume and admits that he is, in fact, not a 62-year-old Norwegian grandmother. Rick Neuheisel announces he is not interested in the suddenly vacant Notre Dame job, and instantly becomes the frontrunner.

14 - Terry Bowden announces he, too, is not interested in the Notre Dame job. No one cares.

15 - In the rugged mountain terrain near Tora Bora, U.S. Army Rangers hear Osama bin Laden on short-wave radio complaining about the Bowl Championship Series.

17 - Colorado State, who had lost earlier in the season to CU, defeats a place called "North Texas" in an early bowl game. Gary Barnett, rubbing the bulging vein on his forehead, contends to no avail that the Ram win should give the Buffs enough strength-of-schedule points to overtake Nebraska.

25 - Thousands of fans celebrate American unity by waving flags and holding signs that read "United We Stand" at the Blue-Gray All-Star Game, which is based on the American Civil War.

31 - Their Rose Bowl preparations nearing an end, the NU coaches and team visit Disneyland on New Years Eve. However, the day is spoiled when Frank Solich is deemed too short to ride on Space Mountain.

Baud to the Bone.
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