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Winging It, Vol. 16

Call me a regular Nebraska-type guy if you want, but the holiday season has always been very special to me. For one thing, it means that football season is really starting to get cookin', what with all the bowl games named after small cities, car rental joints, whitewall radials and such. More importantly, it means that basketball season will be over in just three short months, six if you're talking about the pros. By the way, those last 16 words are all the attention we in The Pond ever, ever, ever intend to give to basketball. Hope you enjoyed it.

This time of year is also enjoyable because it's the Winter Solstice, which for those of you who made it through ninth grade know is the shortest day of the year. On Sunday, only a miniscule 10 hours separates sunrise from sunset. Which, in my household at least, is a good thing, as that means Black Russian Hour can get started earlier than usual.

I've mentioned before that many smart-type people also think the Winter Solstice brought about the biggest holiday on the calendar. It was during this time of year that pagans would whoop it up over return of the sun, which they noticed began to rise higher and higher in the winter sky about this point on the sundial. About 1,000 years, or three Trev Alberts rants, ago, early Christians allowed Jesus' birthday to coincide with the old pagan celebration. You mix the two together and bingo, you gotcherself Christmas.

Written accounts show the very first Christmas song, "O Tannenbaum," was written in Germany in 1043 A.D. Accounts also note that the first spoof of that song, "Watch Us Now As We Fling Some Toast on Trees and Get Drunk and Blow Horns," was downloaded roughly 1.3 million types from Napster the very next year. In that grand tradition, we in The Pond humbly offer seven Cornhusker Christmas classics for you and your kin this holiday season (Whew, we got through the entire intro without making reference to Virginia Tech quarterback Grant Noel).

Start the music!


(To the tune of "Little Drummer Boy")

Come, Frank told me (pa-rum pum pum pum)
Our new DC you'll be (pa-rum pum pum pum)
"Blackshirts" will mean something (pa-rum pum pum pum)
Help make us Big 12 kings
(pa-rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)
My praises fans will sing (pa-rum pum pum pum)
... er, that's if I come.

Hey, there's Frosty (pa-rum pum pum pum)
He's been to Green Bay, too (pa-rum pum pum pum)
I have a new scheme to bring (pa-rum pum pum pum)
to get us our sixth ring
(pa-rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)
Nebraska's waiting for me (pa-rum pum pum pum)
But I've been mum.

Frank's getting jumpy (pa-rum pum pum pum)
He's called my phone four times (pa-rum pum pum pum)
I'll coach the 'Shirts for him (pa-rum pum pum pum)
They'll play their best for me
(pa-rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum)
No one will run on my D (pa-rum pum pum pum)
Not even Brandon Drumm.


(To "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen")

The west stand's filled with gentlemen
Whose hair is white and gray;
They're usually a harmless bunch of guys
But don't stand up in their way.
They'll sit behind you, gripe and glower
And claim they missed the play;
Oh, you're wrecking their comfort and joy.
Boy oh boy,
You don't want to wreck their comfort and joy

The west stand's filled with gentlemen
Who want to appear "nice;"
Clapping for opponents
Whether Buffs or 'Horns or Rice.
You must be on your best behavior
'Cause they were all here first;
No, you can't stand up, yell, or curse
What could be worse?
Than not to sta-a-a-nd, yell-l-l or curse?


(To "Angels We Have Heard on High")

Amos hurt his knee last year
And left screaming in great pain;
So a thin depth chart we feared
would be under bigger strain.

Co-oooo-ooo-ooo-ooorner-backs --
They ain't Ralph or Keyuo!
Co-oooo-ooo-ooo-ooorner-backs --
Getting burned all day-ay-oh.

DeJuan, you're the only star
with your picks and punt returns;
If we could clone you in a jar
Fabe's redshirt would be unburned.

Co-ooo-oooo-oooo-ooornerbacks --
No rush from Kabongo!
Co-ooo-oooo-oooo-ooornerbacks --
Chase wideouts all day-ay-oh.

They're not a lousy group of men,
in Black shirts they try their most;
But they get no help again, again
on that stupid skinny post.

Co-ooo-oooo-oooo-oornerbacks --
Time to step up pronto!
Co-ooo-oooo-oooo-oornerbacks --
Or it'll be a long day-ay-oh.


(To the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the Throwman, was a cocky jocky soul,
with a corn-fed line and a shot-put arm, he helped win the Orange Bowl.
Frosty the Throwman, is hobbled up these days,
So he'll help coach the team, but the fans can glean, that he much prefers to play.

Well, they're looking for old magic with that ex-QB around,
'Cause if he can pump up the Big Red, they'll take Lil' Manning down.
Oh, Frosty the Throwman, he's as tough as they can be;
old No. 7 is in coach's heaven,
but probably not permanently.


WE WISH YOU WERE COMING WITH US / The Nebraska Alumni Association Song
(To "We Wish You A Merry Christmas")

We wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us,
to Shreveport this year.

Prime tickets remain
for you and your gang
No, it sure ain't Pasadena,
but we might just win here.

We wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us,
in all your red gear.

We're outnumbered like crazy,
but fans' views ain't hazy:
If our bowl's this close to Christmas,
then it's been a pretty bad year.

Well, we wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us,
we wish you were coming with us ...
now who's going to cheer?


(To "Let it Snow")

Oh, that Buff that Richie's hatin'
needs some retaliatin'
But it's darned near first-and-goal,
so let it go, let it go, let it go.

Well, Aggie's grabbed Josh's noggin
and he deserves a little floggin'
But that'll give A&M the "mo,"
so let it go, let it go, let it go.

It does no help to fight
smack a guy in pads, doesn't do any good.
It doesn't matter if you're right
You'll start 15 yards from where you should.

Well, that fire can be motivatin'
But this shouldn't need translatin' --
When you feel the need to be Smokin' Joe,
just let it go, let it go, let it go.


(To "O Come All Ye Faithful")

O come, all ye donors
fat-cat football boosters
O come ye, o come ye, with checkbooks in hand

Byrne's left to Texas
"Pigskin" Steve is in control
O come, let's build new lockers
(Hey! No more women's soccer)
And 10 brand-new skyboxes
With gold-plated doors!

Steve works old angles:
"Un-ite, Husker Nation!"
Promises glo-o-o-ry,
and to keep overhead above.
Praise goes to Perlman,
made the popular hi-i-re

He dumped that smug committee,
(hey, this ain't Iowa City)
Our football team is sh__ty
and THAT we can't afford!


Baud to the Bone.
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