R E D C L A D L O O N
Because we -- and by "we," I mean we people who refuse to subscribe to this
whole sunvisor craze for fear of making Steve Spurrier look like a
trendsetter -- have lots of strong opinions about the world of amateur
athletics, we tend to get a lot of correspondence over the course of the
college football season. Most of the mail to The Pond comes via the Internet,
but we also get a few "snail-mail" letters, too, including a handful that
actually did NOT say "This is next. You take penicillin now." Cough, cough.
Anyhoo, the time has most certainly arrived to make the periodical sweep of
the old mailbag. I know this truth to be self-evident, because I have made my
first Official Holiday Season Sighting of a Dumb Santa Hat on a Waiter, which
for the record occurred at 8:45 p.m. on Saturday, Dec. 1 at the Fox & Hound
Pub in the Lincoln Haymarket district. So that means it's been about eight
weeks since the last riveting edition of "The Loon Talks Back," where you,
the reader, control the high-octane action! It's exactly like PlayStation,
only with no 64-bit graphics or stereo sound. And it's really not all that
much fun, either. Otherwise, it's identical.
Let's get to answering those questions.
DEAR LOON,
Margie,
DEAR LOON,
Dennis,
DEAR LOON,
Barney,
DEAR LOON,
Kevin,
DEAR LOON,
Susan,
DEAR LOON,
Wally,
DEAR LOON,
Mike,
Keep the aeropostale coming. See you next week.
==STEVE==
Winging It, Vol. 16
THE LOON TALKS BACK
12.06.01
DON'T GET ME WRONG -- I LOVE MY HUSKERS. BUT THIS WEEK I'M AN LSU FAN
"THROUX" AND "THROUX!" TEE HEE! HEY ... I JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER CLEVER WAY
TO SHOW MY ENTHUSIASM. I'M GOING TO START SAYING "GEAUX" BIG RED TO ALL MY
FRIENDS! PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
-- MARGIE IN OLATHE
Heaux heaux heaux! Voulez vous couchez avec moi ce soire right back atcha,
toots! (I bet all the folks in Loosie Anner are thrilled with us Mayonaisser
Cajuns.) But in all seriousness, though, you might be onto something:
Louisiana State University is located in lovely Baton Rouge (translation:
"Red Stick"). The town's name was coined in 1699 when a French expedition saw
a sacrificial pole with bloody fish and bear heads stuck on it. Natives had
put it there to mark their territory and let outsiders know they weren't
welcome. Oddly, it looks like the boys from Baton Rouge could trigger another
sacrificial poll -- one that would let Nebraska know they aren't welcome in
Pasadena. Still, word is that AP is informing its voters that if they
intentionally drop the 'Skers, they'll face dire consequences. Boy, you just
know that warning is making them oui-oui in their pants.
DID YOU FORGET THAT COLORADO SCORED 62 POINTS ON NEBRASKA? THAT'S 62 POINTS.
SIXTY FREAKIN' TWO POINTS. SIXTY-TWO. HOW CAN ANYONE SAY AFTER GIVING UP 62
POINTS THAT THEY'RE THE NO. 2 TEAM IN THE COUNTRY? THAT WOULD BE
UNPRECEDENTED.
-- DENNIS IN BOSTON
My thanks to you, sir. Without your help, I may have forgotten how many
points CU scored on Nebraska. I was struggling to remember that number
because, by golly, I just haven't heard a single soul mention it since Nov.
23. That's basically because like many Cornhusker fans, I decided to soften
the post-Buffalo blow by practicing some emergency myopia -- that is,
watching a tape of the 1996 Fiesta Bowl. And you know, that game reminded me
of something: After NU ripped Florida, SIXTY TWO to 24, the second-ranked
Gators didn't drop at all in the final AP poll. However, the Gators DID drop
to No. 3 in the coaches' poll. This is because Tennessee moved to No. 2 after
the UF loss. But earlier in the year, they too had lost big. By a score of
SIXTY TWO to 37. Didn't seem to hurt their rankings at all. Hmm, how about
that.
NOT GOOD ENOUGH. I TELL YOU, THIS BOWL CHAMPIONSHIP SERIES THING HAS GOT TO
BE REPAIRED. THE POSSIBILITY OF A TEAM THAT LOST BY 26 POINTS STILL PLAYING
FOR THE NATIONAL TITLE IS JUST INSANE. I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE A WORSE SCENARIO,
CAN YOU?
-- BARNEY IN BOULDER
Sure I can: Hearing a coach for a team with two losses, one of them at home
to a WAC school, the other by five touchdowns, lobby in various media for his
team to play in the National Championship game.
WOULDN'T IT ALL BE EASIER IF WE HAD A PLAYOFF? IN FACT, I HAVE A GREAT IDEA.
TAKE THE CONFERENCE CHAMPS OF THE EIGHT MAJOR CONFERENCES AND FACE THEM OFF.
THEN PLAY THE SEMIS AND FINALS AT THE BOWL GAME SITES. PIECE OF CAKE.
-- KEVIN IN THAYER
Now, there's a stunningly original concept. Still, I fear that a playoff
would be damaging to the academic pursuits of our our student-athletes.
After all, they're not a bunch of professional jocks, who simply get paid for
playing a children's game. No, they're subsidized semipros who play a
children's game. Sometimes, they also get free sport-utility vehicles, too.
Don't get too upset by this -- these SUVs are vital to their education. To
stay eligible, they must write a one-page report that summarizes the owner's
manual. With these serious academic pursuits in mind, it's probably better
that we keep the system the way it is. Otherwise, we couldn't sleep at night,
knowing that we're merely using these kids for our own selfish interests.
YOU KNOW, I'M NOT CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE ROSE BOWL. BUT I AM
EXCITED ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS IN NEW YORK. IT REALLY IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE
ERIC CROUCH COULD BE BRINGING HOME THE HEISMAN TROPHY. DON'T YOU AGREE?
-- SUSAN IN OMAHA
I sure as hell hope not. If that happens, I'll have to start taking the award
seriously. Besides, this is an odd-numbered year, no? In which case, NCAA
bylaws say that a Big Ten player is required to win the trophy this year.
Proof positive: You'll notice that the Heisman committee has reserved the
right to invite a fifth player to New York for the award ceremony. My
prediction? Michigan's Anthony "A-Train" Thomas.
THOMAS GRADUATED. HE'S IN THE PROS NOW.
-- WALLY IN ANN ARBOR
All right, then. That Antwaan Randle-Ell Roberson guy from Indiana. You heard
it here first.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO CLOSE UP THE MAILBAG. BEFORE YOU DO, THOUGH, I
THINK YOU OWE US A PREDICTION FOR THE LSU-TENNESSEE GAME.
-- MIKE IN LINCOLN
Alors! When it comes to predicting scores, I'm about as accurate as CNN on
Election Night. But I'll give it a shot: Lessee ... LSU is the underdog in
this one and fell to Tennessee 26-18 earlier in the year. But they're healthy
now, and have won seven of eight. They also have that certain, eh, how do you
say -- je ne sais quoi. Oh, I hope I'm not allouette on this pick, but I'll
say LSU 28, Tennessee 24, with an angry "le riot" in Boulder, Colo. to
follow. Ah well, c'est la vie.
Baud to the Bone.
Play Infuriating Husker Trivia in THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.
http://www.redcladloon.com