R E D C L A D L O O N
Those of you who can stay awake long enough to follow Nebraska politics already know that the state's supreme court recently pimp-slapped a proposed constitutional amendment to expand gambling here in the Cornhusker State. I figure this is a good thing; after all, if the football team has shown us anything, it's that Nebraska is a place that puts a high priority on high moral standards. Let godless, amoral Sodom-lands like Iowa, South Dakota and Kansas take the fast track to ruination -- we'll stick with pickle cards and Keno, thankyouverymuch. Still, gambling isn't ALL bad, like when you win. I was reminded of this during a recent trip to Las Vegas, which by the way refers to the methodical taking of tourists' cash as "gaming" rather than "gambling" because it sounds much more swell. I'm pleased to report that I got my pound of flesh from a couple of those monolithic, Rhode Island-sized casinos. After visiting various sports books in and around Sin City, I was able to take the Oklahoma State Cowboys at +3.5 points at one book and the Cornhuskers at -2.5 at another. So, by virtue of oSu's 24-21 win, I won both wagers. Suckers! We Nebraskans are so crafty! I was feeling so good about my big win -- er, ahem, despite the obvious crushing disappointment of yet another devastating Cornhusker loss, that is -- that I wagered all of my winnings onto a host of other Husker-related possibilities for this week that were listed at one Vegas sports book. And at last check, these were the current odds: ODDS that on Saturday, the Huskers will resurrect an old tradition and roar out of the Kyle Field tunnel wearing red pants -- 3,000:1 ODDS that three hours later, the Huskers will resurrect a new tradition and walk back into the Kyle Field tunnel wearing red faces -- 1:1 ODDS that Jammal Lord will continue to shun the media, deciding instead to make his boldest statement on the playing field -- 1:1 ODDS that statement will be "I blow like Jenna Jamison on a truckload of E" -- 2:1 ODDS that NU placekicker Josh Brown will be called upon to boot a last-second, game-winning field goal Saturday -- 10:1 ODDS that Brown will, unfortunately, hook the kick to the right -- 5:1 ODDS that Brown will later say that the refs misrepresented his kick and took it out of context, and that he's going to be demanding a retraction -- 2:1 ODDS that Jammal Lord will pick up a zone blitz early Saturday evening -- 7:1 ODDS that Jammal Lord will pick up a red-dog blitz early Saturday evening -- 8:1 ODDS that Jammal Lord will put back a Red Dog six late Saturday evening -- 2:1 ODDS that Greichaly Cepero's father suddenly shows up at Lord's Portia Street apartment to visit his daughter -- 3:1 ODDS that every time Cepero's father starts to say something, Lord pretends to sneeze and says "Imherdaddy" -- 4:1 ODDS that Nebraska's quarterback will run like a cheetah against the staunch Aggie defense -- 6:1 ODDS that Nebraska's quarterback will pass like a cheetah against the staunch Aggie defense -- 1:1 ODDS that Nebraska will play the Aggies even for a half in College Station, instilling hope and optimism in an embattled Husker Nation -- 3:1 ODDS that Texas A&M's offensive coordinator will take a dry-erase board and a magic marker into the halftime locker room with him -- 1:1 ODDS that Craig Bohl will spend halftime trying to get through the final stage of "Sonic the Hedgehog" on his new Game Boy -- 5:2 ODDS that Texas A&M will promptly mount a back-breaking 12-play, 80-yard touchdown drive to start the third quarter -- 2:1 ODDS that Nebraska will cagily respond with two short runs and an incomplete pass --2:1 ODDS that Nebraska will cagily respond with one short run, an incomplete pass, and an interception -- 5:2 ODDS that former NU wingback and ex-nightclub owner Lance Brown will pass the test to get his Realtor's license -- 4:1 ODDS that he'll get in trouble with the law again after stealing Jim Rose's signature "He's to the doorstep ... he's the front door ... he's in the house" slogan -- 3:1 ODDS that Josh Davis will return a kickoff for a touchdown this weekend -- 4:1 ODDS that Josh Davis will return to the Nebraska football team next season -- 25:1 ODDS that the Cornhusker offense will score at least 21 points against the Aggies -- 5:1 ODDS that the Cornhusker offense will score at least 14 points against the Aggies -- 4:1 ODDS that the Cornhusker offense will score at all against the Aggies -- 3:1 ODDS that Nebraska's defense will come out higher than Robert Downey Jr. at Mardi Gras on Saturday, hell-bent to stuff Texas A&M's offense -- 2:1 ODDS that a jacked-up NU defender will commit a dimwitted personal foul early in the game, thereby sustaining an early A&M scoring drive -- 4:1 ODDS that Pat Ricketts will be commended by announcers for being a sure tackler -- 2:1 ODDS that 95 percent of Ricketts' tackles will be 18 to 25 yards downfield --3:2 ODDS that at halftime, we'll see a cheesy commercial for the University of Nebraska -- 1:1 ODDS that at halftime, we'll see a cheesy commercial for McDonald's -- 3:1 ODDS that in that commercial, Thunder Collins will be behind the counter -- 1:1 ODDS that during halftime highlights, Miami tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. will be shown breaking tackles -- 9:1 ODDS that Fox studio analyst Kellen Winslow Sr. will be shown fracturing the English language -- 2:1 ODDS that Darin Erstad and the Anaheim Angels will win the World Series -- 1:1 ODDS that it'll happen thanks to Erstad repeatedly pinning the San Francisco Giants deep in their own territory -- 6:1 ODDS that Texas A&M's boogered-up defensive line will look healthy enough to even compete at the start of the game -- 8:1 ODDS that Texas A&M's boogered-up defensive line will look like an All-Pro NFL unit by the end of the fourth quarter -- 2:1 ODDS that Dr. Tom Osborne will overwhelmingly win re-election to the House of Representatives next month -- 1:1 ODDS that Rep. Osborne will pass on the credit for the big win to his players and his assistant coaches -- 2:1 ODDS that Rep. Osborne thinks recurring U.N. probes will merely delay the inevitable -- forceful removal of the current regime in Iraq -- 3:1 ODDS that Frank Solich thinks attracting NU recruits with Ford Probes will merely delay the inevitable -- forceful removal of the current regime in Lincoln -- 200:1 ODDS that videotapes of the Utah State and McNeese State contests will be the only two items that will sell very well for Husker Video this season -- 4:1 ODDS that Frank Solich will use the tapes in his yearly performance review with Bill Byrne, as proof his team indeed DID beat both the Aggies and the Cowboys in 2002 -- 3:1 ODDS that Bill Byrne will throw the football coaching staff a big year-end dinner party at his house -- 3:2 ODDS that Byrne will mail them a bill for everything they ate -- 2:1 ==STEVE==
Winging It, Vol. 10:
YOU BET YOUR LIFE
10.25.02
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