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Winging It 8:

Sadly, Loons, I will be away from my keyboard this weekend and unable to Loon-Drop in the wake of the Cornhuskers' Saturday battle with Misery. I thought that would be worth mentioning, particularly if the Cornhuskers should (shudder) lose to the underdog Tigers, and people start coming around wondering why I haven't written something yet, y'know, whatsamatter you big baby, can't you take one widdle loss from your precious team, what are you, some kind of bandwagon-jumping frontrunning loser punk? Well, no, and furthermore, that's getting way ahead of ourselves. Here's expecting that Nebraska's reconstructed cyborgs on the offensive line will move the pigskin well enough so that those questions won't be flooding my inbox come Sunday morning ... not that I'll be around to see them, but, well, you get the idea.

I am excited about embarking on a brief sabbatical. Yet, somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my Fat Tire-addled brain, I feel a twinge of responsibility to the red-clad masses who for some reason are still reading this drivel after five long years. Sometimes these columns go on and on and on and on and on and on and unless you're reading closely and can muster the concentration powers of Professor X and are extremely well-versed in current events and/or pop culture, a lot of this stuff looks like a big pile of scatological ravings from a mental patient on two hours' sleep. Hey, are you still reading? Then it is for you, our most loyal readers, for whom we have created a little multiple-choice time-waster to tide you over until we return next week. Call it less than a quiz, but more than just a dumping ground for our subconcious. Enjoy, take your time, have fun answering, see you next week ... and remember, there are no stupid answers, just stupid Colorado fans.


1. Calculate a = b/c, where b = the number of occasions you've heard a TV announcer describe Bill Snyder as a brilliant football mind and c = the number of times Bill Snyder has won a conference championship of any kind.

A) a = 4
B) a = 3
C) a = 2
D) a = 1
E) a = 0

2. Complete the sequence: Wilson Phillips, Lawrence Thomas, Lawrence Phillips ...

A) Paul Phillips
B) Paul Thomas Anderson
C) Wilson Thomas
D) Phil Peetz
E) Joe Dailey Joe Dailey Joe Dailey

3. Who is likely to be able to sign the most autographs in a 10-minute span?

A) Seppo Evwaraye
B) Nanfwang Mutfwang
C) Watshidimba Kajungu Kabongo
D) Phil Bland

4. Which of the following small Nebraska towns have charmingly underrated downtowns, and which aren't, in fact, small Nebraska towns at all, but chronic conditions suffered by DeAngelo Evans during his time in Lincoln?

A) Wounded Knee
B) Neligh
C) Turf Toe
D) Otoe
E) Broken Bone
F) Broken Bow
G) Strained Pelvis
H) Lodgepole
I) Clay Center

5. Match each of the following people with his name, if had he been a character in the motion picture "Dances With Wolves."

A) Larry Eustachy
B) Rick Neuheisel
C) Mike Price
D) Chad Kelsay
E) John Mackovic

i. Routed Without Dignity
ii. Two Skanks
iii. Pounds Nattie With Coeds
iv. Calling Bookie
v. Woofs Down Salsa

6. "RTD" is a clever acronym for (choose four):

A) Return To Dominance
B) Really Terrible Defense
C) Relegated To Doormats
D) Rallycap Trick: Dumb
E) Rapists-Thugs-Degenerates

7. How many Online Husker Pundits does it take to change a lightbulb?

A) Two, of course: One to hold the ladder, and the other to screw the light bulb into the socket.
B) Seven: Three to write nearly identical columns about holding the ladder, three to write nearly identical columns about passing the light bulb up the ladder, and one to screw in the bulb as he struggles to tell the others apart.
C) Two: But first, one will create a list that describes how great it is to be a Lightbulb Changer, while the other will conjure up a bunch of "You Might Be a Light-Bulb Changer if ..." entries.
D) Three: One to change it, one to claim how much brighter it shines now that Steve Pederson is here, and one to claim that Tom Osborne would have done a much better job of screwing it in.

8. Is it a bad HuskerVision season-in-review video, a bad movie starring Stephen Seagal, or both?
A) "Reflection of Perfection"
B) "Above the Law"
C) "It's Crystal Clear"
D) "Hard To Kill"
E) "Finished Business"
F) "Out For Justice"
G) "Decade of Dominance"
H) "Under Siege"

9. Which is the correct order, from greatest to least great?
A) Frost/Frazier/Gill/Crouch
B) Frazier/Gill/Crouch/Frost
C) Crouch/Frazier/Gill/Frost
D) Gill/Frazier/Frost/Crouch
E) Frazier/Frost/Crouch/Gill

10. Second quarter, third down and six, ball at the opponent's 48-yard-line, no score.
A) Quarterback draw, Barney.
B) I don't know, Frank. Maybe we hit 'em with some play-action, throw to LeFlore on a crossing route.
C) I think we'd be better off trying a quarterback draw. It's safer.
D) We could move the pocket, send Pilkington on a quick out. They're playing eight yards off the wideouts.
E) All right then, quarterback draw it is. Send it in, Joe.
F) No, wait! I've got a better idea.
G) Oh, dammit. Call time out.

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