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Winging It, Vol. 6
YOU BET YOUR LIFE
9.05.01

As of this writing, the Nebraska Cornhuskers are established as double-digit favorites over Notre Dame. This strikes me as odd, really, but apparently three things are influencing oddsmakers this week -- the fact it's Notre Dame's first game and Nebraska's third; the last we saw the Irish they were getting slapped around Tempe by Denny Erickson's gangstas; and last but not least, crack cocaine.

Though stranger things have happened (Iowa State 19, Nebraska 10 for example), the odds are that NU will not cover the big spread on Saturday. Keep in mind that I am perfectly qualified to comment on this, as I lived in Nevada for approximately 18 months and on various occasions used the restrooms of the large casinos.

So take this expert advice: Don't waste money on betting the spreads. Particularly when there are a host of other Husker-related possibilities that are worth wagering your hard-earned scratch on.

Here are the latest odds on some of them:

ODDS that Nebraska will defeat the Domers this Saturday -- 8:5

ODDS that the fans who deserted NU in the last two weeks will sprint -- sprint, not run -- back to the bandwagon -- 1.5:1

ODDS that Nebraska will lose to the Domers this Saturday -- 4:1

ODDS the sun will come up the next day -- 1:365

ODDS someone in Nebraska will still make the inevitable, cliche statement in which they marvel that the sun came up -- 1:1

ODDS that every single Nebraska fan will heed the university's plea to wear a red shirt to the game -- 3,500:1

ODDS that the university will enlist a band of jack-booted thugs to rough up anyone who even appears capable of cheering for Notre Dame -- 5:1

ODDS that they will accidentally beat up running back Ahman Green, visiting from Green Bay to cheer on the Huskers -- 30:1

ODDS a Cornhusker will return a punt for a touchdown this weekend -- 10:1

ODDS a Cornhusker will return to court this season -- 5:1

ODDS Terry Bowden will quit ABC and take a job with The WB -- 10:1

ODDS that the job will be to do all the voice-overs for Porky Pig cartoons -- 2:1

ODDS the Nebraska Cornhuskers will be at the Rose Bowl in January -- 10:1

ODDS they'll be sitting in Section CC, Row 14 -- 10:1

ODDS the northwest end zone dwellers will collectively moon the Fighting Irish at the end of Saturday's game -- 200:1

ODDS the Irish will become confused, thinking they're looking at their own reflections -- 2:1

ODDS that Old Home Inc. will come out with a red-dyed "Husker Bread" this season -- 100:1

ODDS that it will have a longer shelf life than the Oregon State football dynasty -- 25:1

ODDS Eric Crouch will re-injure his shoulder -- 11:1

ODDS Frank Solich will not inform the public of the injury until after the Cornhuskers lose a game -- 2:1

ODDS Mack Brown is the antichrist -- 100:1

ODDS he'll get crucified by Longhorn fans if the 'Horns don't beat OU this October -- 1:1

ODDS Chris Simms will miss a game because of an injury -- 10:1

ODDS that the injury will be a migraine headache, caused by staring for hours at an orange juice can that says "concentrate" on it -- 5:1

ODDS that officials will show a clever video clip to get the east, north and south sides of Memorial Stadium worked into a tizzy this Saturday -- 2:1

ODDS that vendors will hawk Viagra in the west stands to get fans worked into a tizzy this Saturday -- 2:1

ODDS 18-year-old Barrett Ruud will have 15 tackles vs. the Domers -- 10:1

ODDS by the 10th tackle, the crowd will start yelling "Ruuuuuuud" -- 5:1

ODDS at that precise moment somewhere in Texas, former Cowboys fullback Darryl "Mooooose" Johnston will suddenly feel very, very old -- 1.5:1

ODDS the Nebraska soccer team will finish in the Top Five -- 3:1

ODDS the accomplishment will make Page 8 of the sports section, barely beating out an interview with Pat Ricketts' big toe -- 1:1

ODDS Eric Crouch will rush for 2,000 yards this season -- 20:1

ODDS Eric Crouch will pass for 2,000 yards this season -- 10:1

ODDS Eric Crouch will lead the nation in field goals this season after Sandro DeAngelis and Josh Brown seriously injure each other during a fight in practice -- 100:1

ODDS Nebraska will engage in a high-profile recruiting war over a blue-chip high school athlete who may or may not be the next Tommie Frazier/Turner Gill/Steve Taylor/Monte Christo -- 2.5:1

ODDS the temperature in Lincoln will drop to roughly 46 below when the kid makes his official visit, regardless of the point on the calendar -- 1:1

ODDS the kid will opt for a big-time Florida school instead, causing "accidental" carbon monoxide poisoning deaths to spike among message board dwellers -- 3:1

ODDS an average Cornhusker fan will ever see the inside of The Champions Club -- 100:1

ODDS the inside of The Champions Club actually resembles the orgy scene from "Eyes Wide Shut" -- 200:1

ODDS Tom Osborne will be asked to donate $1 million to charity at the end of the year -- 4:1

ODDS Tom Osborne will be asked to donate his brain to Frank Solich at the end of the year -- 1:1

ODDS Husker fans will fracture the record of 15,557 for ESPN Gameday attendance, currently held by Kansas State -- 2.5:1

ODDS Kirk Herbstreit fractures a wrist trying to fight off rabid Cornhusker fans -- 30:1

ODDS Lee Corso continues to fracture the English language -- 1:1

ODDS HuskerVision will eventually evolve into a sentient artificial intelligence -- 30:1

ODDS it will subliminally instruct Husker fans to stay in their seats for two hours after the game and drink as much Pepsi as humanly possible -- 1.5:1

ODDS that 20,000 Notre Dame fans get into Memorial Stadium on Saturday -- 2.5:1

ODDS that Regis Philbin will be one of them -- 3:1

ODDS that he'll be Bob Davie's phone-a-friend -- 3:1

ODDS the Missouri Tigers will go to a bowl game this season -- 400:1

ODDS they'll break .500 this season -- 275:1

ODDS they'll eventually grow weary of the coaching-carousel putridity and re-hire Warren Powers -- 40:1

ODDS a new planet will be discovered -- 80:1

ODDS its name will be "Kabongo" -- 70:1

ODDS Thunder Collins will start at I-Back on Saturday -- 100:1

ODDS he will reveal his first name is really "Ed" -- 250:1

ODDS that this announcement will help him become a better inside runner -- 1,000:1

ODDS that the following entry will be yet another joke about Kansas State's schedule -- 1:1

ODDS that K-State will back out of Saturday's game after realizing USC is not short for "University of Southern Colorado" -- 4:1

ODDS that Navy Lt. Shane Osborn will get interviewed by ABC's Jack Arute about how he landed a wounded spy plane in China -- 12:1

ODDS Nebraska coaches will hire him and his crew to intercept Bob Davie's plays -- 14:1

ODDS that Osborn will reflexively duck for cover during the interview as the offenses on the field repeatedly misfire -- 100:1

ODDS the Domers score first against Nebraska on Saturday -- 3:1

ODDS the Domers score last against Nebraska on Saturday -- 3:1

ODDS that Domers score at all against Nebraska on Saturday -- 30:1

ODDS that Bill Byrne will offer free Notre Dame tickets to the first 1,000 Nebraskans who show up at the south stadium ticket office and sing "There Is No Place Like Nebraska" start-to-finish -- 500:1

ODDS Bobby Newcombe gets a free ticket this Saturday -- 1,000,000:1.

==STEVE==
Look Your Sexiest On Saturdays.
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