Quantcast HuskerMax

R E D    C L A D    L O O N

Winging It 3:

We interrupt this Tom-Osborne-for-governor media frenzy to bring you some news with even more entertainment value, if that's possible. As the Nebraska Cornhuskers go about the task of rebuilding their 40-year-old foundation, a demolition crew is also tearing down the barely 10-year-old Lincoln Theater at 12th and P streets. The work is taking place because city officials, in their ongoing heroic efforts to make the capital city's downtown resemble West Omaha as much as inhumanly possible, have decided to erect a 29-screen SuperMondoMegaGrandePlex where the Lincoln Theater once stood. On the bright side, this will undoubtedly concentrate all of the city's gang-bangers in one place, vastly cutting down on the need for citywide police patrols. On the negative end of things, however, this means the other downtown theaters will close.

Not that I am totally against such progress, but this pretty much sucks. First, the removal of the Lincoln Theater's screens from the mix leaves local movie-goers with only 16 locations where they can catch "Freddy vs. Jason" this weekend. And second -- and most importantly -- there are a number of good college-football-related movies coming out this fall in conjunction with the start of the pigskin season, according to my latest edition of Premiere Magazine. Frankly, I worry that there might not be enough screens in town now to carry them all.

Hopefully, these footballing flicks will find homes in the coming weeks, because some of these listings sound pretty promising:

GET SHORTY (PG-13) Action. As the '02 season sputters to a close, a lynch mob of Boosters of Substance combs the Lancaster County countryside in hopes of bringing the head football coach to justice (92 minutes) * *

THE BRITCHES OF MADISON COUNTY (R) Romance. The Husker Nation Tour reaches such a fever pitch that as it rolls into Norfolk, frenzied residents get so excited that they soil their shorts at the first sight of Pat Ricketts (62 minutes) * * ½

SEE BISCUITS (PG-13) Sports/Drama. In hopes of stifling a rash of anxiety as the first game approaches, Dan Vili Waldrop is instructed by a therapist to envision something he loves more than life itself (120 minutes) * * *

FINDING NEE, MOE (G) Animated. Using the powerful Flux Capacitor, Steve Pedersen travels back in time in a desperate search for a couple of basketball coaches who know how to win in Lincoln (97 minutes) * * * *

THE THIN RED LINE (R) War. Conditioning guru Bryan Bailey goes too far to win the battle of the bulge in the offseason, inadvertently bringing the average weight of The Pipeline down to a flyweight 155 pounds (88 minutes) *

BROKEDOWN PALACE (R) Comedy. Putting on his best mopey face, Athletic Director Steve Pederson tells the Touchdown Club that Husker football could be doomed to mediocrity forever unless Memorial Stadium gets the funding necessary to build 14-karat gold lockers (123 minutes) * * *

CAN'T HARDLY WEIGHT (PG-13) Teen. After an NCAA-mandated steroid test, Herbie Husker almost instantly sees his average bench-press results drop nearly 200 pounds (87 minutes) * * * ½

RUSHMORE (PG-13) Comedy. Barney Cotton's new high-flying offensive scheme results in three consecutive three-and-outs, prompting Cornhusker purists to throw down suggestions from the stands (115 minutes) * * * *

FLIGHT CLUB (R) Action. In a poorly-lit underground hideaway, Curt Dukes and Marques Simmons square off over which is the fastest way out of Lincoln -- Interstate 80 or Highway 6 (112 minutes)  ½

ENEMY OF THE STATE (R) Suspense. Arkansas baseball skipper Dave Van Horn, driving to Omaha to visit a couple of potential Razorback recruits, is taken into custody by the Nebraska State Patrol as he crosses the state line and is never heard from again (92 minutes) * *

TOO FAT, TOO FURIOUS (R) Action. A new Nebraska resident from out of state calls home to explain why she avoids red-clad fans at all costs after an NU loss (89 minutes) * * * *

BLADE RUNNER (PG-13) Science fiction/fantasy. Practice becomes a bloody mess one Thursday when Cory Ross takes Tim Albin's suggestion that he become a slashing I-back a little too seriously (134 minutes) * * *

INSIDER HOUSE RULES (R) Drama. A cabal of men with modems practice the art of hint-dropping and innuendo (65 minutes, @ $5 a minute)  *

BARNEY'S GREAT ADVENTURE (G) Children's. As Brent Musburger narrates, a so-called coaching genius must somehow find his way to .500 in the thin air of Boulder, without an offensive line or a quarterback (90 minutes) * * ½

RED BATCH OF COURAGE (PG) Drama. With the help of a vat of potent elixir only available at game-day tailgates, a small group of Husker fans boldly shrug off the pregame pointspread and the on-field mismatch to bravely enter Royal-Memorial Stadium and watch Nebraska play Texas (69 minutes, black and white) * * * *

SWIMMING POOL (NC-17) Suspense. Newly hired East Jefferson High School Football Coach Rick Neuheisel is fired after it's learned he can't help betting on watersports, either (82 minutes) * *

THE OSBORNE IDENTITY (R) Action/Drama. In an effort to assuage the restless red-clad masses, Frank Solich takes to dying his hair red, donning a pair of elevator shoes, squinting into the game-day sun and going for two after every score (127 minutes) * * * *

SWEET HO' ALABAMA (NC-17) Romantic comedy. Rather than return to Pullman, ousted Crimson Tide Coach Mike Price invests in a roadside cathouse near Tuscaloosa and gets to know his employees really well (117 minutes) * * *

TROLLING FOR COLUMNS ONLINE (PG-13) Documentary. Faced with a bevy of Internet Husker pundits, a 76-year-old Cornhusker fan can't decide which one to hate more this week -- the nine who tell him everything's great, the 12 who say everything is a big old pile of crap, or the three who predict the scores of every game by mid-August (119 minutes) * *

THE BIG RED ONE (R) War. In an amazing one-year turnaround, the Nebraska Cornhuskers battle their way to the top of the polls and post a final 2003 record of 14-0  ... on Beatrice slacker Jimmy Huber's PlayStation2, at least (121 minutes) * * * *

There's action in The Bullpen
Read the finest Husker writers in THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.