R E D C L A D L O O N
Winging It, Vol. 2
Fearing riotous Star City mobs last Thursday, I pulled the Geo into the
garage and locked myself in the basement. Thursday, of course was the
long-awaited day that the preseason coaches' poll was released. As it turns out, I was a bit over-cautious. The only unrest on my street was
a small, roving band of hoods who cruised past in a Chevy Baretta playing
mailbox baseball. Damn you, "Stand By Me," for giving them that idea. And
damn you, Kiefer Sutherland, while I'm at it. There's unbridled power in the preseason polls, even though they make less
sense than a book of poetry by Jewel. And the process in which the top teams
are chosen makes Iraq, China and Yugoslavia look like models of democracy.
But still, every August we Loons flock to them as though they're the next
items to be placed in the Ark of the Covenant. In reality, all they do is set
up fans of overrated teams for a hard fall, like all those Alabamer fans last
year. So if I was, say, from (10th-ranked) Michigan, I'd take the advice of
Indiana Jones -- or maybe it was Han Solo, I forget -- when he said, "I've
got a bad feeling about this." Last week's headlines overlooked a much more traditional -- and much more
significant -- college football opinion poll, by damn. Conducted by the
Nebraska-based Gallup Co., exactly 2,000 Cornhusker fans from across the
state were interviewed. After some debate, the answers given by 1,792 of them
qualified for inclusion after they successfully answered the first question
("What is your name?"). So, without further ado, here are the results of that poll: I'd rather watch a garden sprinkler than a Big Ten football game:
Bobby Newcombe popping off about his alma mater:
It does not, indeed, get any worse than Terry Bowden:
Least golden:
The human race's single most important achievement:
Texas Strength Coach Jeff "Mad Dog" Madden would do anything for:
The famous Notre Dame battle cry is "Let's Win One..."
Planned 2001 promotions at Missouri's Faurot Field:
Most repulsive right cornerback:
The best way to get Kansas State fans to quit hating us:
Polyethylene and polypropylene, treated and tufted into a porous surface
backing, infilled with graded silica and compacted rubber:
There is strength in:
Bill McCartney was recruiting gangsters before recruiting gangsters was cool.
If Nebraska is on a Fox Sports channel I do not receive, I would rather:
Things you would consider buying if word got out you sold your tickets to a
Fighting Irish fan:
Walt Kelly once said, "We have met the enemy, and ..."
Things from the desk of Rep. Tom Osborne:
Biggest overhyped, flash-in-the-pan Albino:
Most appropriate time for two Nebraska males to embrace:
Least appreciated Bowden:
The best way to a man's heart:
"There is No Place Like Nebraska..."
==STEVE==
POLL POSITIONING
8.08.01
89% Agree
11% Disagree
26% I'm shocked and appalled
74% Coulda set my watch to it
41% Agree
59% James Lofton
13% Gophers
17% Eagles
13% Bears
47% Domers
14% Organized religion
17% Democracy and Civil Rights
69% ESPN GamePlan on DirecTV
23% Mack Brown
23% His players
54% Haagen-Dazs
11% "...for the Gipper."
40% "...for that hottie Kim Dunbar."
49% "...so's we don't hafta go bowling in Shreveport any more."
14% Snap-On Tools Front Tooth Night
26% "Kiss Your Sister" Tie Giveaway
60% Three of our 17 Seniors Are Graduating Day
50% Matt Ickes
50% DeJuan Groce
43% Physically assaulting them
57% Another strategy
100% FieldTurf
33% Numbers
67% Creatine
97% Agree
3% Disagree
16% Watch Notre Dame on NBC
10% Watch Virginia Tech on CBS
5% Watch a Big Ten game/garden sprinkler
69% Have my eyes poked out with burning sticks
12% A high-definition television
32% A Mazda 626
56% A bodyguard trained in Ninjitsu
22% "...he is us."
78% "...they're all running that goddamned Spread Offense."
5% "More Than Winning"
10% "On Solid Ground"
5% "Faith in the Game"
80% The order for a Sicilian-style hit on Debbie Schlussel
11% The kids in Nelson
11% The kids in Hanson
78% That kid in Austin
9% Never
8% Funerals
83% If the Sears Trophy is involved
14% Terry
5% Tommy
2% Bobby
79% Alec
9% Stomach
91% Season tickets
35% "...Good Old Nebraska U."
65% "...What a Relief."
Saving the world one Loon at a time. THE POND,
Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.
http://www.redcladloon.com