Winging It:
CARNAC IS BACK
(With Apologies To Johnny Carson)
7/2/00

Those of you who have not been doing sit-ups underneath parked cars probably remember the day when "The Tonight Show" was hosted by someone other than a walking chin who tells trite jokes about farts and presidential interns. Once, there was a day when NBC late-night had a distinct Big Red flavor to it -- with Nebraska's very own Johnny Carson.

My favorite Carson bit was when he pulled out that big Arabian hat and assumed the mystical guise of Carnac the Magician. Carnac had incredible powers of clairvoyance. His signature trick was to take a sealed envelope, place it against his forehead, and announce the answer to the question inside. Then he'd open it up read the question. It was worth approximately 7.8 chuckles per show.

In a related story: The other day, my wife persuaded me to go to a garage sale. Luckily, I had brought a college football magazine along, so most of my day was spent reading about Huskers, Longhorns, Wildcats and Sooners. But lo and behold, in one of the bargain bins sat that familiar old Arabian hat. And inside it were a bunch of envelopes, too!

I picked up the hat like it was a day-old infant, then placed it squarely on my melon. And, holding the envelopes to my forehead, I began to see the answers to their questions. Strangely enough, they all had to do with college football.

Imagine the luck:

A: "Chicken Run."
Q: What did June Jones call Mack Brown's judgment to avoid an early trip to Hawaii?

A: Vapo-Rub, Formula 44D, and the 2000 Heisman Trophy.
Q: Name three things already owned by a guy named Vick.

A: White Lion.
Q: What will Penn State fans likely see under center if Rashard Casey is found guilty?

A: Microsoft Outlook.
Q: Describe the competitive potential of Kansas State's non-conference schedule.

A: SimCity.
Q: What name have the pundits given to Austin, Texas, as they overhype the son of an ex-New York Giant quarterback?

A: www.baylorfootball.com.
Q: What's the only way the Bears can string three W's together this season?

A: "Happiness Is A Warm Gun."
Q: What did Barry Switzer say to sweet-talk the airport security guys?

A: "Born In The U.S.A.", Ken Griffey Jr.; and Gary Moeller.
Q: Name a hit for "The Boss", someone who can hit and toss, and a guy who really hits the sauce.

A: Redwine.
Q: What happens among spoiled fans after a rare Nebraska loss?

A: "Eric Crouch!"
Q: What will coaches tell Nebraska's quarterback to do in Manhattan this year to avoid facemask-grabbing defenders?

A: Bad Company.
Q: Who is behind behind Miami's, BYU's, and Oregon's horrid new uniforms?

A: Snap, Crackle, and Pop.
Q: Describe what Tennessee's trainer heard during the second half of the 2000 Fiesta Bowl vs. Nebraska.

A: "The Magnificent Seven."
Q: What do opponents call the Nebraska offensive line?

A: "Pac-10."
Q: What does a hapless West Coast team's fan order his wife to do to drown his sorrows as she's filling the post-game cooler with booze?

And ...

A: Jethro and Jed Clampett; Mantle and Mouse; Steve Spurrier and Rick Neuheisel.
Q: Name a couple of hicks, a couple of Micks, and a couple of dic -- um, that is, RESPECTED COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES.

==STEVE==
Red. White. Loon. Play DAILY Infuriating Husker Trivia in THE POND, Home of Nebraska's RED CLAD LOON.
http://www.redcladloon.com