HUSKERS GET "WHITE"-WASHED, 30-3'
YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A SPIN ZONE THAT FEATURES BRIEF GLIMPSES OF
FULL FRONTAL SATIRE AND PARODY, WITH OCCASIONAL LAME ATTEMPTS AT HUMOR.
ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.)
BIG WED WAP-UP
"THE CHIP CHUCKLEY SHOW"
(The theme music cues up to the sound levels of an atom bomb being detonated. The music, of course, is something the station wouldn't be caught dead playing any other time. The GEE-tars and drums scream. Mercifully, the 300 db bumper music softens to a "mere" 200 db and the announcer makes his pitch.)
And now, here is, the one, the only, The Hip Chipster, The Chip Meister
himself, The Guru of the Gridiron, the one, the only Chip Chuckley!!!!
(the music continues to fade and the host is cued.)
Chip Chuckley: Goooood evening and welcome to "Sports Chat" with yours truly, Chip Chuckley. There is so much going on in Husker football tonight that we want to get to as many of your calls as we can. Call us to fu, er, toll free at 1-800-SPORTSCHAT. The switchboard is lit up like the Sidetracks on game day. Let's go to our first caller, Edna in Hollywood, California. Welcome to "Sports Chat".
Caller: Dahling, dahling, dahling. Dott wasss a hawbah game, juss hawbah. Dah defanze pladd hawbah, dah offanze pladd hawbah, spezawl tames pladd hawbah. Wah nawht gawin to a bawhl gamm diss yarr.
CC: So you think the entire team played horribly? And you don't think we're going to make it to a bowl game?
C: Dott's ratt. Hawbaw gamm, hawbaw tame. Juss hawbah. Jo Dawee ess no godd. He kent poss. We shood rann dah bawhl aw natt lang.
CC: Okay, thanks for your call. Let's got to Brad in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
C: Man, what's up with that last caller? I couldn't understand a word she was sayin'. Anyways, my take is that all those who couldn't wait for Frank Solich to go, are you happy now? We are headed for the first losing season in 43 years and won't go to a bowl game for the first time since 1969. Are all you people happy now? You can thank Steve Pederson and the rest of the Solich bashers for this mess. That's all I've got to say. I am OUT!
CC: Thanks for your call. Let's go to Penny in Lincoln. You're on "Sports Chat".
C: I'm a long time caller and a first time listener. No, I mean I'm a long time listener, first time caller. Oh well, you know what I mean. I'm just a little nervous.
CC: Go ahead, you're doing fine.
C: I'd just like to say that I don't think the Huskers played all that bad Saturday in Norman. I mean, we were playing the #2 team in the country, weren't we? Our kids were fired up. Cory Ross ran like a man possessed. If we play at that level against the Buffaloes, the Huskers will come out with a win and we will be playing in a bowl game. We were just a couple of plays away from making that game a lot closer. And there were some unbelievably bad calls and non-calls. And no, I'm not saying that we would have won the game if the calls had gone differently, but I do think the game would have been a lot closer. That's all I've got to say.
CC: Good points. Let's go to Tony in Newark, New Jersey. Welcome to "Sports Chat".
C: Listen, youse guys. Tanks to da Huskers stoppin' da clock with 1 freakin' second left and kickin' a lousy field goal on da final play, I lost a varry sizable chunk of cash, pal. I am varry, varry unhappy. Now I gotta pay true da nose, or Vinny will perform some experimental surgery on my knees so dat dey can bend both ways which I am not lookin' forward to. All becuz dat little rat number 27 trotted onto da field wit one second to go. Da little (bleep). (Click)
CC: Thanks for your call. Let's go to Danny in Manhattan Beach, California. Thanks for being on our show.
C: Dude, Like, am I on?
CC: Like, yeah, you're on.
C: Like I'm freakin' out! You know!
CC: Go ahead.
C: Dude, this is sooooo cool being on your show, man! Waaaay cool!
CC: We're glad you got on. Do you have a comment?
C: Right. Like I was sayin', this is awesome. I love your show. Never miss it. You are the best. Love the babes, dude! The babes are the best!
CC: Do you have a take on the game?
C: Game? What game? Isn't this "The Howard Stern Show"?
CC: No. You've got the wrong number. Let's go to Denny in Waterloo, Nebraska
C: Hello? Am I on?
CC: Go ahead.
CC: My name's Chip.
C: Hello, Chuck?
CC: Chip. Let's go to Margie on a cell phone in Walleye Lake, Minnesota. Hello, you're on "Sports Chat". Do you have a take on the Oklahoma game?
C: Oh yeah sure, yer darn tootin' I do!! I think the Huskers just don't have enough good players on offense or defense. Me and my husband Norm, he's a painter, we never miss a Husker game on TV. We can't wait until next year when we get better players. Thanks a bunch for listening to me.
CC: Anytime, Margie. Let's go to Portland, Oregon and to Kelly. Welcome to "Sports Chat".
C: I have a question.
CC: What is it?
C: It's an interrogatory sentence that requires an answer, but that's not important right now. What is important is that I have several questions. First, what's up with one of our players slugging a cheerleader before the game? And what's the deal with Coach Callahan calling the Sooner crowd a bunch of bleepin' hillbillies? What's happening to the class we used to have? Tom Osborne would never have said anything like that. And if one of his players ever hit a cheerleader, the lad would be driving a cab somewhere.
CC: You ask some very good questions. As for the slugging incident, the University of Nebraska is calling the incident an "accident", while the newspaper in Norman is calling it an "altercation". I suppose we'll know more about it later. Callahan voiced his opposition to the Ruf/Neks, an OU spirit group, whose job it is to heckle opposing players. Darren DeLone is reported to have head-butted one of the Ruf/Neks and shoved him into the 3 foot brick wall during pre-game warm-ups.
I'm not sure how you can head butt someone with your football helmet and shove him into a brick wall and then call it an accident. The "victim" also lost several teeth in the process. As for Callahan's hillbilly remark, he has since apologized for the "poor choice of words" he uttered in the heat of the battle. Both of these incidents shouldn't have happened, but, sadly, I'm surprised these kinds of things don't happen more often. Thanks for calling. Let's go to our last caller, Dave in McCook, Nebraska. Thanks for waiting, you're on "Sports Chat".
C: Thanks for taking my call. My only beef with the game Saturday night was, why were Stoops' first teamers still playing late in the game? If they would have lost a key player like Jason White to an injury, that could affect the rest of their season. I don't get it. And secondly, why were the Sooners still trying for a touchdown late in the game? If you ask me, Stoops is a no-class (expletive). I can't wait to play them in Lincoln next year. I'll hang up and listen to your response.
CC: First of all, thank goodness for tape-delay. As far as Bob Stoops trying to run up the score, we can all thank the BCS for that. The BCS tends to give favor for the margin of victory. And with Auburn breathing down their backs with a big win over a very good Georgia team early Saturday, the Sooners were trying to get as many style points as they could against the Huskers. You really can't blame Stoops for doing so. But I think the idea of intentionally running up the score is not good for college football and should be re-examined by the BCS committee in the off season.
Well, that's all the time we have. Thanks to all who called and thanks to all of you who listened. Until next time, this is Chip Chuckley saying, goodnight everybody. (The theme music is cranked up again.)
BAD JOKE DEPARTMENT, ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE ALREADY DOWN
Q: How do you
keep a Husker player out of your backyard?
A: Put up goal posts.
Q: Where do you go in Lincoln in case of a tornado?
A: Memorial Stadium - they never get a touch down there.
Q: What's the difference between the Huskers and a dollar bill?
A: You can still get 4 quarters out of a dollar bill.
Q: How can you tell when the Huskers are going to pass the ball?
A: Dailey leaves the huddle with tears in his eyes.
Q: What's the difference between the Taliban and the Huskers?
A: The Taliban has a running game.
(The above jokes were sent by Mike V, Estes Park, CO)
THE EMAIL BAG
MORE ON DARRELL R. TURBEAU
Dear Husker Dan:
Listen to me. Get an original idea, already. I'm the one and only World's Smartest Husker Fan. Anyone who doesn't breathe out of his mouth knows that much, pal. I've been a fan since halfway through the 1962 season --no half-wit thinly-veiled knock-off invention of yours is ever going to take my place, so don't even bother. I am right. Stick to the fake letters from your fictitious aunt or your Even 101 More Reasons It's Good to Be in Nebraska Today lists and leave the real work to the experts. If you have to write a disclaimer that you're trying to be clever ... well, you're not exactly being clever, now are you?
My correctness knows no bounds,
Dear Elmer: Had you still been writing, there would have been no need for Darrell's rants. I join thousands (millions?) of Husker fans who wish you (Steve, The Red Clad Loon) were back writing your treasures. Steve has no equal. "I'm not worthy," as Garth would say. No one is...No one could ever hope to be...You are the best. Please come back, please? What will it take? Begging? Pleading? Crying? Screaming? Coercion? Blackmail?
Dear 'DOCTOR' and Mrs. Husker Dan:
Excuse me, please, for not addressing you in the usual fashion as 'Husker Dan.' You and the Mrs. deserve even more as you have provided an even greater service to myself and all of Husker Nation with this week's commentary. Thank goodness we didn't have to wait till the usual midweek to get 'our fix'...of 'your fix'...thus saving many of us from going off the deep end. Once again, you provided the perfect antidote for the depression which has set in due to this most difficult and unnecessary loss yet. You were the first ones able to cause us to smile, followed by long periods of laughter while reading your piece. I personally had great difficulty getting past your comment about the Mrs. asking how long it took a halfback to become a fullback. I even woke up laughing during the night over that one!!! Thus, the reference to Doctor, as you have certainly pulled this particular fan out of a somewhat depressed and questioning state...well, out of depression anyway, but the questioning state remains!!! Now, being one who would never want to offend you, I will simply ask that you go ahead and plant a big wet one on the forehead of the Mrs. as it seems to me, she, like you, is not one that has her head in the sand...
One last thing, Doctor Dan, you might want to start charging for your services now as I suppose you now have lots and lots of us rather terminal fans with which to deal. Thanks again for your consistently poignant articles. Keep them coming and we just might get through this disastrous year.
Larry L. S.
Dear Larry: I'll let my editor know about the "charging for my services" part. I'm sure he'll get a good chuckle out of that one. Thanks for the kind words. I'll be sure to pass your comments on to Mrs. Husker Dan.
THIS AND THAT
1.) Will there be a shake up in the Husker defensive
coaching staff at the end of this season?
2.) Why did it take so long to get David Dyches back as the place kicker?
3.) The Huskers just got a Lucky Strike with the oral commitment of running back Marlon Lucky from North Hollywood, CA. For those of you wanting to write off the Huskers after this season's performance should think ahead to seeing the Huskers with a backfield featuring Marlon and Harrison Beck. It will be a thing of beauty. As Elmer R. Hicks would say, "I am right."
4.) Happy Birthday wishes go to former Husker great and 2001 Heisman Trophy winner, Eric Crouch, who turns the ripe old age of 26, November 16th.
5.) Never ever talk about your dental hygienist's ex-husband while she is cleaning your teeth.
6.) Look for Husker Dan's latest (and only) book, "You Might Be A Husker Fan If...". coming to a bookstore near you...
As a U of N alum (1943 B S in Bus. Adm.) and a 30 year V. P. and Treasurer of the U of N Foundation l(1953-1983) in the administrations of Perry Branch, Harry Haynie, and Woody Varner. I am a diehard Husker fan. I am from a strong U of N football family. My father from Seward was the Husker quarterback during 1911, 1912, 1914. He was Herb (Cub) Potter and was well known during those years. He did not play in l913 as his father died that year and he had to stay home to help his mother. But at the start of the 1914 season, the Huskers were 0-0 with South Dakota and E O Stiehm, coach, and Dr. Oliver Everett, team physician, drove to Seward to talk my grandmother into letting my Dad return for his last year of eligibility as Stiehm thought so much of his playing ability. My Dad would often tell me about his football days at Nebraska. He said of all the games he played in during the 3 years he quarterbacked he lost only 2, both to Minnesota. He said 1914 was his best year and the highlight was a 24 - 0 beating of Michigan Aggies in Lincoln. For that game the football was cut in two with half going to him and the other half to team captain. Dad's half of the football was passed on to me and I have had it on display for a great many years.
My Dad passed away in August 1980 at age 91. There is a large picture of the 1914 team in a Big Red restaurant in South Lincoln I believe off 27th St. with my Dad's picture in the middle of the team with the title "quarterback". During my years with the U of N Foundation it was my pleasure in knowing Bob Devaney and Tom Osborne both of whom would contact me at the Foundation office regarding our Husker Award Fund which was funded by donors in support of the football program. All my life to date I have closely followed the Huskers and take great pleasure in their victories and suffer so much with their few losses. During my retirement years my greatest pleasure is keeping up to date on the Huskers via my computer and all my Nebraska web sites and particularly your comments on the HuskerPedia web site. Keep up the good work.
Herb M Potter Jr.
PS. This is a rather interesting report my Dad gave me about his Husker football days. In an Iowa game, which he said always gave them a tough time, the team worked their way down to the Iowa 1 yard line and he (Dad was small, 5'7'' and 170 lbs, but was quick and fast ), had the ball passed to him by the center, a tall man with long legs, and then dove between the center's legs to cross the goal line, surprising the Iowa team. That touchdown helped them win the game.
Mr. Potter was kind enough to send me a copy of an interview of his dad that was recorded in 1975 when Herb "Cub" Potter was about 86 years old. Husker Dan is grateful and proud to have this valuable bit of Husker history.
Readers: All of you have a Husker memory or story you need to share with Husker Pride Worldwide. Your story might be about the first Husker game you ever saw; it could be about the last Husker game you shared with a loved one, or maybe it's a story of what you had to do in order to get Husker tickets. It could be a funny story or just a memorable one. Whatever memory you have, send them to firstname.lastname@example.org and Husker Dan will post the best ones in his column.