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H U S K E R    D A N
 
HUSKER DAN'S "YOU MIGHT BE A HUSKER FAN IF..." 2004 VERSION
 
1.) You know that Norfolk has only one "r" but you pronounce it with two anyway. 2.) You say "I'm not fer sure" when you aren't certain of something.
3.) You know what "purt'near" means.
4.) You've actually used it in a sentence.
5.) You know what a sentence is.
6.) You once served a sentence.
7.) You're not sure how to pronounce the towns of Unadilla, Winnetoon and Cairo even though you've lived in Nebraska most of your freakin' life.
8.) You already have your room reservations for the Big 12 Championship game December 4th in Kansas City.
9.) You've been to every home game since 1962.
10.) You've been to every home AND away game since 1962.
11.) You have no life other than Husker football.
12.) You have personalized Husker license plates.
13.) You've turned down job transfers because you wouldn't be able to keep your personalized Husker plates.
14.) You log on to Huskerpedia.com often to check the days, hours, minutes and seconds left until the next Husker game.
15.) Your screen saver is a picture of Memorial Stadium.
16.) You had your front teeth capped to read:
N-E-B-R
A-S-K-A.

17.) You're stationed in Iraq and fly a Husker flag over your tent.
18.) You're stationed in Afghanistan, but you stay up all night to catch a Husker game on TV.
19.) You're stationed in Seoul, South Korea where you can see today's Husker game tomorrow.
20.) Your cell phone rings to the tune of "There Is No Place Like Nebraska".
21.) Your doorbell rings to the tune of "There Is No Place Like Nebraska".
22.) You answer your phone singing "There Is No Place Like Nebraska".
23.) You hate the winters, tornadoes, drought, floods, bugs, heat and humidity of Nebraska, but if an outsider says something bad about the state, you'll give him a piece of your mind.
24.) You can remember every Husker game you've ever attended.
25.) You've worn a dorky outfit during a Husker game just so you could get on TV.
26.) You don't know who was governor in 1983, but you can name the Husker starting offensive backfield that year.
27.) You remember the name of the @$^%#*! Miami Hurricane player who, in the 1984 Orange Bowl, deflected Turner Gill's two point pass attempt to Jeff Smith that would have given Tom Osborne his first national championship, but instead made Husker fans wait another 11 years (on top of the 12 years we'd already waited) before the Huskers would get another national championship.
28.) You know Tom Osborne was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives but you don't know (or don't care to know) the dude he beat.
29.) You don't know anyone who voted for Osborne's opponent.
30.) If you knew of someone who did, you'd tell him a thing or two.
31.) If someone at work mentions something about overtime, your first thought is the Huskers are 3-0 in those games.
32.) Each summer, you buy all the preseason football magazines that have pictures of Husker players on the cover even though you know the information in them is all pretty much the same.
33.) You're leaked off that none of the magazines has the Huskers in the Top Ten this season even though you know that Nebraska has a new head coach, 8 new assistants including new offensive and defensive coordinators, an entire new offensive scheme and must face road games with Pitt, K-State, Texas Tech and Oklahoma while using an inexperienced fleet of quarterbacks who have zero starts among the lot of them.
34.) You know what a crick is.
35.) You've fished in a crick.
36.) You've been up one without a paddle.
37.) You know what a twin-holer is.
38.) You've used a twin-holer.
39.) You still use a twin-holer.
40.) You know where Carhenge is.
41.) You've been to Carhenge.
42.) You have a car buried at Carhenge.
43.) You buy your cars at Carhenge.
44.) You've said "dad-gummit" and meant it.
45.) You know what the numbers 308 and 402 mean in Nebraska.  
46.) You think businesses that use fancy spellings like "Pointe" and "Centre" "Ye Olde" are just a bit too uppity.
47.) You purposely buy things from businesses that have Husker, Big Red, Nebraska or Cornhusker in their company name.
48.) You're waiting for someone to start a Big Red Church.
49.) You visited the Husker Nation Road Tour this June.
50.) You waited an hour and a half outside in 40 degree temps to attend the first Husker Nation Tour expressly to get Bill Callahan's autograph even though the entire event was only 30 minutes long and there were 250 other dudes who had the same idea.
51.) You tried to get Bill Callahan to autograph a football.
52.) You tried to get Bill Callahan to autograph the bald spot on your head.
53.) You got Bill Callahan to autograph the hood of your car.
54.) You tried to get Bill Callahan to autograph your wedding picture.
55.) You've been to a TSC store.
56.) You know what TSC stands for.
57.) You buy work gloves by the dozen.
58.) You know what a "new brass key" means.
59.) You never bet against the Huskers in your company football pool, even in games you know they probably won't win, but to do otherwise, would be unpatriotic.
60.) You remember phone numbers by using the jersey numbers of your favorite Husker players.  For example:  If someone's birthdate is July 15, 1960, you simply remember Eric Crouch, Bob Churchich, Clint Finley/Tom Novak.  Easy.
61.) You dismiss the problems Bill Callahan had last year with the Rah-duhs, blaming everything on Al Davis.
62.) You're glad Jammal Lord has gone to the pros.
63.) You're glad Jammal Lord has gone.
64.) You've written Steve Pederson a nasty letter.
65.) Steve Pederson has written YOU a nasty letter.
66.) You know the difference between dinner and supper.
67.) You know people who say "IN-surance" and "RE-late-tive"
68.) YOU say IN-surance and RE-lative.
69.) You know people who say "YOU-gene".
70.) You know when sweetcorn season begins.
71.) You plan your vacations around sweetcorn season.
72.) You have a list of places where you can buy fresh sweetcorn.
73.) You rate sweetcorn as passionately as those who rate fine wines.
74.) You have an emergency stash of sweetcorn, just in case you run out.
75.) You have meals that include nothing but sweetcorn.
76.) You "pig out" on sweetcorn every day during the season.
77.) You growl when somebody tries to eat the last ear.
78.) Your kids watch you eat sweetcorn.
79.) Your kids' friends come over to watch you eat sweetcorn.
80.) Your neighbors come over to watch you eat sweetcorn.
81.) A representative from the Guinness Book of World Records comes over to watch you eat sweetcorn.
82.) The cast of Fox News comes over to watch your kids, their friends, the neighbors and the people from Guinness watching you eat sweetcorn.
83.) You think it's a badge of honor to have all your T-shirts spotted with butter stains.
84.) You'll start your low carb diet right after sweetcorn season ends.
85.) You'll start your low carb diet right after football season.
86.) You'll start your low carb diet right after the holidays.
87.) You'll start your low carb diet right after college football signing day.
88.) You'll start your low carb diet right after Easter.
89.) You'll start your low carb diet right after your vacation.
90.) You'll start your low carb diet right after sweetcorn season is over for the second summer in a row.
91.) You don't understand why sweetcorn isn't included in a low carb diet.
92.) You attended this year's Husker Spring Game.
93.) You attended last year's Spring Game.
94.) You've been to every Spring Game since you were in diapers.
95.) You're STILL in diapers.
96.) You know the words to "There Is No Place Like Nebraska" but you can't remember your wedding anniversary.
97.) You continue to stay at a job that sucks but you can't quit because your boss has season tickets he lets you use.
98.) You read stupid columns like "You May Be A Husker Fan If".
99.) You WRITE a stupid column like "You May Be A Husker Fan If".
100.) You forward a copy of this column to a friend.  (Gaze into my eyes:  You will forward this column to 10 people, who, in turn, will send it to 10 of THEIR friends.  And soon, the ENTIRE PLANET will have read this column!!!!  He he he he he!!!!!)
101.) You know what a Peaches' pitch is.
103.) You have a rain gauge.
104.) You have a 20 gauge.
105.) You have a 16 gauge.
106.) You have a 12 gauge.
107.) You have at least one room in your house filled with Husker memorabilia.
108.) You have reserved parking for Husker football games.
109.) You've been parking in the same parking space for more than 20 years.
110.) You've been tailgating with the same people for more than 20 years.
111.) You've been sitting in the same seats for more than 20 years.
112.) You've been driving the same car for more than 20 years.
113.) You've been wearing the same clothes for more than 20 years.  (Whew!)
114.) You hate to see the end of the Husker option game.
115.) You long for the days of Steve Taylor, McCathorn Clayton, Mickey Joseph, Mike Grant and Craig Sundberg.
116.) You think the Huskers have always run the option game, even though you know that early in Tom Osborne's coaching career at NU, the Huskers used to be a passing team with quarterbacks like Vince Ferragamo who went on to start in a Super Bowl for the Los Angeles Rams.
117.) You believe it when someone tells you that Tommie Fraizer holds the NU record for most career TD passes.
118.) You've sat your kids down and shown them a highlight video of Johnny Rodgers' career punt returns.
119.) You tell your kids to "Pull my finger".
120.) You tell your wife to "Pull my finger".
121.) You tell your boss to "Pull my finger".
122.) You pull your own finger.
123.) You think ranch dip is a weird guy who drives a tractor.
124.) You've gone to a Husker game and sat by yourself.
125.) You've tailgated by yourself.
126.) You've talked to yourself.
127.) You've interrupted yourself.
128.) You've high-fived yourself.
129.) You say things like, "I should've went".
130.) You say things like, "Where's the library at?".
131.) You know what a wall cloud is.
132.) You've seen a wall cloud.
133.) You've been to Wall Drug.
134.) You get your wedding picture taken wearing a Husker tee-shirt.
135.) You buy your grandkids cute little Husker apparel.
136.) You try to take your grandchild to his first Husker game even though the kid is only 3 days old.
137.) You purposely turn down invitations from friends to watch Husker games at their homes because they think it's silly when you yell, scream and curse and the veins on your forehead stick out during crucial moments of the game.
You can write Husker Dan at huskerdan@cox.net