H U S K E R D A N
Aunt Rosie is back with her advice to Husker fans. She's getting up there in years, but is still as spry as ever.
"She's the voice of reason during the football season."
Dear Aunt Rosie:
I'm hoping you can help me. I hadn't been to a Husker home game since I had my own teeth, but my husband finagled me into going with him to the M&M game, or whatever they're called. I don't know much about football and don't know a first down from a bowling pin, but I thought, what the hey, he said it would be fun and he's my husband and so I went. He told me all about the other team-how they have the Twelfth Man etc. Said I needed to know all that kinda stuff.
Anyways, my husband "Earl" (not his real name) said we had to leave at 7:30 in the morning. So I says, "If the game isn't until 11:30, why in god's name do we have to leave so early?". So he says, something about needing a beer and a bump (whatever that is) to get warmed up for the game. So I says, okay. He takes me to some place called The Squeeze Inn in downtown Lincoln where its' real loud and everybody knows him. "Hey Earl, bring the misses this week, did ya?" they say and everybody laughs. And "Earl, did you ever get your head out of the toilet last time you was here?!!! Ha, ha, ha,ha."
So instead of one beer, he orders whole pitchers and it's only, like 9:00 in the morning for cripes sake!! I mean, I'm barely awake and he's drinking beer and downing some shooters (whatever that is). By the time we get ready to leave for the game, he's three sheets to the wind.
I got him to the stadium okay but most of the first half I was sitting there all by myself. Why? Because Earl had to keep getting up, said he had to go see somebody named Ralph. Well, he spent more time with Ralph than he did with me. And the 2nd half wasn't much better. He sat there with his head buried in his hands and was sweating like Arnold Schwatzenheimer (or whatever his name is) at a NOW convention. Our seats were in the sun all day and it was d*** hot. So Earl looks up at me and says, "I don't feel so good. Let's leave." It was only the 3rd quarter, but, I was glad to get the h*** out of there. We dropped 84 bucks for tickets, another $15 for parking, and god only knows how much for elbow slop and we end up leaving early. Earl was in no shape to drive, so guess who did. Earl crapped out in the back seat and slept all the way home. It wasn't no joyride, I can tell you that. This was as much fun as root canal, if you ask me.
I think the game is just an excuse for him to get ripped. He wants me to go with him to the K-State game and I don't want to go through that h*** again. How can I tell him I don't want to go?
Dear Mrs. No-name
Land sakes, what a problem!! It sounds like Earl should be more in tune with Twelve Steps rather than the Twelfth Man! How unfortunate for you to have to sit at the game all by yourself while Earl barfed up his biscuits with his buddy Ralph. Getting hammered is not the best way to enjoy Husker games-okay, so it's ONE of the ways to enjoy a Husker game.
Aunt Rosie used to bend the elbow a bit in back in her day, too. With the awful teams we had back then, there was more reason to drink. Aunt Rosie remembers taking the train from Omaha to Lincoln on the "Beer Express". Aunt Rosie got to meet Ralph many times.
But I'm losing track, here. Oh yes, unless Earl is getting hammered all the time, he's probably just getting his game face on. At least he's smart enough to have you to drive him home. Maybe you could go with him to Lincoln. He heads for the bar and you go shopping. You pick him up after the game (he can call you on your cell phone if he needs to leave early). Earl gets to see the game, has a few jolts and you get some serious shopping done. And more important, he has you to make sure he reaches home safely. That's what I'd do. Good luck, deary.
Dear Aunt Rosie:
I'm so mad I could scream!!!! I have a friend who says that you aren't real-that you are mythical-you know, made up-and anyone who believes in you is stupid. Imagine that! The doofus doesn't think you exist. Anyways, I thought you could set the record straight. Everybody knows you are real, right? Let 'em have it, Rosie!!!
Dear Mavis: Is a cloud real? Is the air real? Is Yanni real? (Forget that one.) Yes, I am real. I'm REAL nice, I'm REAL old, I'm REAL fat and I get REAL mad when someone thinks I'm fake! Land sakes, what's a person have to do to prove she's the real deal? Cut me and do I not bleed? Hit me and do I not smack you back?
Yes, Virginia, there is an Aunt Rosie, I'm very happy to announce. Tell your friend that Christmas is coming soon. Have him get some of that white stuff you spray on your tree and tell him to go flock himself. Good luck, deary.
Dear Aunt Rosie:
What a nightmare we had recently. We invited a couple who are new to the area, to watch the Missouri game with us. We fixed a nice dinner, we had wine etc. The game begins and the wife, Marla (not her real name) says to me, "You're Husker fans? Good, then I'll root for the other team." I mean, she's never been to Missouri and has no clue about the Huskers, Missouri or college football for that matter, but all night, whenever Missouri would do something good or when the Huskers screwed up, she cheer like an idiot.
We couldn't wait for them to leave. The problem is, they've invited us to watch the Colorado game at their place this year. I'm dreading going. They're a nice couple except for their incredible rude behavior. What should we do? How can we get out of ever watching another Husker game with those two ingrates?
Grand Island, NE
Dear Darlene: Aunt Rosie almost swallowed her new dentures when she read your letter!!! Land sakes, such rudeness is hard to understand. Cheering for the Huskers is rather like a religious experience. It should never be mocked or ridiculed. And that's what your dopey house guest was doing to you.
Now Aunt Rosie can understand if you knew ahead of time that your guests would be of a different persuasion, everyone would know what to expect. There's nothing wrong with rooting for your team, but to root against a team just because someone is rooting for it, is classless, to say the least-and she did it as an invited guest in your house!! My, oh my!!!
Aunt Rosie would never be in favor of terminating a friendship over a football game, but she'll make an exception in this case. You'd be miserable again if you ever watch another Husker game with them. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes fun of your religion. Say anything to get out of this one. Good luck, deary.
You can write Aunt Rosie in care of Husker Dan at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
You can see past Husker Dan columns by scrolling toward the bottom of the HuskerMax.com homepage to "Extras". Click on "Husker Dan" and it will take you to the archived columns.