H U S K E R D A N
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A HUSKER FAN WHEN
1.) You have a picture of Gary Barnett on your dart board.
2.) You have a picture of Gary Barnett on the bottom of your birdcage.
3.) You play the Tunnel Walk music at your wedding.
3.) You play the Tunnel Walk music on your wedding night.
4.) You plan to get married by the bronze Husker statue on the east side of the Stadium.
5.) You've already been married by the bronze Husker statue.
6.) You have a Big Red toilet seat.
7.) You use a toilet seat.
8.) You have a toilet seat.
9.) You've actually seen a toilet seat.
10.) You want to root for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because they have ex-Husker player and assistant coach Monte Kiffin running their defense, but can't because they also have Warren Sapp on their team.
11.) Your daughter, whom you've nicknamed Red, writes Husker Dan.
12.) Husker Dan actually writes her back.
13.) Your son, whom you've named Biff, doesn't read Husker Dan.
14.) You like the movie "Rudy" but you would REALLY like it if it were about a Husker player instead of a Domer.
15.) You love it when Colorado loses.
16.) You love it when K-State loses.
17.) You miss seeing Steve Spurrier lose at Florida.
18.) You miss seeing Rick Nueheisel lose anywhere.
19.) You think Cirrus' "Eye In The Sky" by the Alan Parsons Project is classical music.
20.) You miss the annual Nebraska-Oklahoma shoot-out.
21.) You miss Barry Switzer...sorta.
22.) You've had your picture taken with Li'l Red.
23.) You look like Li'l Red.
24.) You ARE Li'l Red.
25.) You get teary-eyed when you watch "Husker Century Part III".
26.) You get teary-eyed when your little kid's first words are "Colorado sucks."
27.) You forward a copy of this stupid piece to another Husker fan.
28.) You have Husker friends.
29.) You have any friends.
30.) You know who the "Smilin' Assassin" was.
31.) You know who used to say "This is our house."
32.) You bought a big screen tv on sale because the store said the tv would be free if the Huskers won the national championship that year. Four years later, you're still making payments on that sucker.
33.) You dread having something bad happen to you during a Husker game because you know that absolutely no one is going to come to your rescue until the game's over.
34.) You have your picture taken wearing one of those stupid corncob hats.
35.) You had your wedding picture taken wearing one of those hats.
36.) Your home town restaurant has its restrooms labeled "Heifers" and "Steers".
37.) You know what a heifer is.
38.) You know what a steer is.
39.) You can smell the difference between piggy ca-ca and cow ca-ca.
40.) Your home town restaurant called Verlene's Cafe is actually run by someone named Verlene.
41.) Your family has always bought International Harvester farm implements not because they're necessarily any better, but because they're red and not green like them John Deere ones.
42.) You actually know the difference between a Deere and let's say, an M or an H.
43.) You who "The Sandman" was.
44.) You spend way too much time reading and debating Husker issues.
45.) You spend way too much time writing a lame sports column about Husker football.
46.) You've played 8 man football.
47.) You know how long the football field is in 8 man football.
48.) You've seen an 8 man football game.
49.) You actually saw an 8 man football game one time, but you were hammered so bad that night, you still think there were 11 men on each team-or maybe even 16 or even 25.
50.) You're old enough to know who Frank Patrick was.
51.) You know he was 6'7".
52.) You think he came from a dairy somewhere in Pennsylvania.
53.) You know he actually came from Derry, Pennsylvania.
54.) You can remember your first Husker "Moment".
55.) You arrive at the Stadium an hour early so you can see the team warming up.
56.) You park close to area code 308 so you find a cheap parking space on game day.
57.) You have season parking.
58.) You bought a $100,000 motor home just so you could tailgate before each Husker home game.
59.) You've never figured a per game cost for the sucker.
60.) To justify the cost of the motor home, you say, "What the hell, it's cheaper than one of them luxury suites they have in the Stadium. AND, I can get sloshed in my motor home. Try THAT in a skybox!"
You can write Husker Dan at: firstname.lastname@example.org