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H U S K E R    D A N
 
LETTERS TO DEAR AUNT ROSIE
("She's the voice of reason during the football season.")
Dear Aunt Rosie has provided valuable advice for Husker fans for over 50 years. She's getting on in years, but she's still as sharp as ever. Please welcome her to Huskerpedia.

Dear Aunt Rosie:
You've got to help me. Me and my buddy have been buying season tickets from a mutual friend for like the past 10 years. (The dude's had money problems and we didn't want him to lose his tickets, so we "volunteered"-wink-wink to take his tickets.) Every spring he sends us a bill and we send him a check for the face value and for ten years, those little suckers have arrived each August. And this year, we started calling the dude in about January (not about tickets-after all he is-or was- a friend). We left voice messages during the week, on weekends, holidays etc. He never returned any calls. We're 3 games into the season and have no clue what happened. What should we do?
   Miles Purrhauer
   Barn Door, NE

Dear Miles:
Oh dear, what a sad story! Aunt Rosie is assuming you didn't leave any nasty messages on his answering machine, key his brand new car or put a "Vote For Al Gore" sign in his front yard. If you didn't do any of that, perhaps he just wanted to use the tickets himself, or he may have found buyers who would pay him more than you two cheap bastards were willing to pay. Unfortunately, It looks like you're SOL for this season, Miles. Well, I guess there's always Tony Soprano. Knees do break from time to time. Oh dear, I don't believe I just said that. Good luck, dearie.


Dear Aunt Rosie:
I'm getting tired hearing all the Jammal Lord bashing that's been going around by these so-called Husker fans. I mean, the think they know so much. Well, if they did, why aren't they coaching the team? Did they ever think of that? No, I'll bet not. Most of them probably never even played the game. Anyways, I think they should shut up and let Lord get some experience. All he needs is just a chance to show that he can be as good as any qb we've ever had. He's going to get better as the season goes. Mark my word. Am I right, or what?
   Al Kazellzer
   Chadron, NE

Dear Al:
Oh my, ol' Rosie was born at night, but not last night. Did it ever occur to you that all those people just might be right? Dear little Jammykins has started the last 17 games at quarterback for the Huskers, right? Ever since he's been the starter, my liquor bill has shot through the roof. Will Jammal get better? Maybe. But you have to ask yourself, what are the chances of that happening? It's like my sister, Josie always used to say, "If you throw a rock in a lake, you might hit a fish." Good luck, dearie.


Dear Aunt Rosie:
I'm freakin' out! You gotta help me. It's my husband. He's about to drive me bonkers. He's gone off the deep end with this Big Red stuff. I like the Huskers and all that, but I'm starting to dread football season more and more each year. At first it was okay. He'd wear his #7 Husker jersey, watch the games on TV, get sauced and yell and scream bloody murder when Mike Grant would plunk one to a defender, or when Mickey Joseph couldn't grip the frickin' ball because his hands were too little, or when Osborne would go with a trap play on third and 5 that would always get stuffed for no gain.

It's bad enough that he's painted our house red. Now we have a red roof for cripes sake! Both our cars are red with GO BIG RED personalized plates. Our mailbox is red and says CU SUX on the side. He's dyed his hair red, drinks beer with tomato juice in it-buys nothing but red wine. He even has an autographed picture of Jarvis Redwine hanging over his wine closet. He subscribes to Redbook magazine (he's a guy, mind you), doesn't even read the damn things. When we go on trips, we have to stay at Red Roof Inns. We chew Big Red gum. Our two kids are named Husker and Power. Our dog's named Tommie and our stupid frickin' cat is L'il Red. Larry (not his real name) just had this big ass flag pole plopped in our front yard at a cost that would make Bill Byrne cringe. And holy cripes, the flag is the about the size of Rode Island. He painted the driveway red. RED! Crimanettly!!! Who has a red freakin' driveway, anyways?!!! Our kids get picked on in school. So now what does my goofball husband want to do next? He's after me to dye MY hair red. He said it would help our marriage! Can you believe that!!! Anyways, what should I do?
   Ima Noegettit
   Barn Door, North Dakota

Dear Ima:
Land sakes, I almost swallowed my dentures on this one! If Aunt Rosie gets this straight, your husband is a big Husker fan who has a lot of fun and wants to strengthen his relationship with you by including you in his hobby. He thinks enough of you that he doesn't want to experience Husker Fever all by himself. So he's a little wacky and may go overboard once in a while, but who cares? He's just a red-blooded, I should say Big Red-blooded football fan.
Cut him some slack. Cut the crap, grab the Clairol and shut up. Good luck, dearie.


Dear Aunt Rosie:
I've been reading your column since I was a little girl and never thought I'd be writing, but, well, here I am. I'm getting married next year to a wonderful man. We both like quiet walks on the beach, cozy fireplaces, Kenny G albums. We're of the same faith, race and age. We both have nice jobs and make lots of money. We both want kids. He's good looking, has a nice bod, doesn't drink or smoke. He's kind to his mother. We both like movies and books. We both do volunteer work. So what's my problem, if all that is so peachy? The problem is, he's a graduate of the University of Colorado and is a huge Buffalo fan and I'm a rabid Husker fan. I mean, my daddy, my grandfather and my great grandfather all played for the Big Red. He wants to decorate our family room all in the Black and Gold and have posters of Chuck Fairbanks, Bill McCartney, Rick Neuheisel, and to top it off, he wants to hang his autographed picture of Gary Barnett over our fireplace! My parents will keel over when they see all this Buffalo crap splattered all over our house. I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do? I'm at wit's end.
   (name withheld)
   Fairview, Colorado

Dear Betty:
Oh my, what a case! Well, dearie, this is what you get for dating out of your "religion". Aunt Rosie can accept differences in religion, creed, color, ethnic and economic backgrounds, age differences, political differences, height differences, geographical differences, but a Cornhusker tying up with a Buffalo fan is, well, more than ol' Aunt Rosie can take. She's taken the last of her nitroglycerine tablets, so she'll have to set a spell after this one. Who cares if he man has money, looks, charm, education, a great body and all that? You have to ask yourself, how would you raise your kids? To be Buffalo fans? Grow up with Gary Barnett pictures in THEIR family rooms. Oh my, Aunt Rosie's glad she has 911 on her speed dial.

You must do what's best for your future children dearie. Send that Barnett-loving SOB on his way. You'll thank me later. And so will your grandkids. Good luck, dearie.


You can write Aunt Rosie and Husker Dan at: huskerdan@cox.net