Barn Door, NE
Oh dear, what a sad story! Aunt Rosie is assuming you didn't leave any nasty messages on his answering machine, key his brand new car or put a "Vote For Al Gore" sign in his front yard. If you didn't do any of that, perhaps he just wanted to use the tickets himself, or he may have found buyers who would pay him more than you two cheap bastards were willing to pay. Unfortunately, It looks like you're SOL for this season, Miles. Well, I guess there's always Tony Soprano. Knees do break from time to time. Oh dear, I don't believe I just said that. Good luck, dearie.
Oh my, ol' Rosie was born at night, but not last night. Did it ever occur to you that all those people just might be right? Dear little Jammykins has started the last 17 games at quarterback for the Huskers, right? Ever since he's been the starter, my liquor bill has shot through the roof. Will Jammal get better? Maybe. But you have to ask yourself, what are the chances of that happening? It's like my sister, Josie always used to say, "If you throw a rock in a lake, you might hit a fish." Good luck, dearie.
It's bad enough
that he's painted our house red. Now we have a red roof for
cripes sake! Both our cars are red with GO BIG RED personalized
plates. Our mailbox is red and says CU SUX on the side. He's
dyed his hair red, drinks beer with tomato juice in it-buys nothing but red
wine. He even has an autographed picture of Jarvis Redwine hanging over
his wine closet. He subscribes to Redbook magazine (he's a guy,
mind you), doesn't even read the damn things. When we go
on trips, we have to stay at Red Roof Inns. We chew Big Red gum. Our
two kids are named Husker and Power. Our dog's named Tommie and
our stupid frickin' cat is L'il Red. Larry (not his real
name) just had this big ass flag pole plopped in our
front yard at a cost that would make Bill Byrne cringe. And holy cripes,
the flag is the about the size of Rode Island. He painted the driveway
red. RED! Crimanettly!!! Who has a red freakin' driveway,
anyways?!!! Our kids get picked on in school. So now what does my
goofball husband want to do next? He's after me to dye MY hair
red. He said it would help our marriage! Can you believe
that!!! Anyways, what should I do?
Barn Door, North Dakota
Land sakes, I almost swallowed my dentures on this one! If Aunt Rosie gets this straight, your husband is a big Husker fan who has a lot of fun and wants to strengthen his relationship with you by including you in his hobby. He thinks enough of you that he doesn't want to experience Husker Fever all by himself. So he's a little wacky and may go overboard once in a while, but who cares? He's just a red-blooded, I should say Big Red-blooded football fan. Cut him some slack. Cut the crap, grab the Clairol and shut up. Good luck, dearie.
Oh my, what a case! Well, dearie, this is what you get for dating out of your "religion". Aunt Rosie can accept differences in religion, creed, color, ethnic and economic backgrounds, age differences, political differences, height differences, geographical differences, but a Cornhusker tying up with a Buffalo fan is, well, more than ol' Aunt Rosie can take. She's taken the last of her nitroglycerine tablets, so she'll have to set a spell after this one. Who cares if he man has money, looks, charm, education, a great body and all that? You have to ask yourself, how would you raise your kids? To be Buffalo fans? Grow up with Gary Barnett pictures in THEIR family rooms. Oh my, Aunt Rosie's glad she has 911 on her speed dial.
You must do what's best for your future children dearie. Send that Barnett-loving SOB on his way. You'll thank me later. And so will your grandkids. Good luck, dearie.