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H U S K E R    D A N
 
HEADLINES
HUSKERS HAVE "O" ZONE PROBLEMS, BUT KICK LIONS 18-10
HUSKERS' RUNS, HITS AND ERRORS DOWN LIONS, 18-10
DYCHES, "JOLTIN'" JOSH  TOO MUCH FOR LIONS, 18-10
"O" LINE CLOTHESLINES LIONS, 18-10
HUSKER "O" LINE BUSY, LIONS' LINE, NOT, 18-10
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
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BIG WED WAP UP
A VISIT TO DR. IMA SHRINK
"The doctor will see you now, sir," the receptionist says as she smacks her bubble gum. 
"Won't you please come in, Mr...." the doctor says as she's looking at my chart.
"Just call me Dan," I reply, nervously.
"Please have a seat," she says as she points to a big overstuffed leather chair.
"I think I'd rather lie down on the couch, if that's okay with you."
"Make yourself comfortable.  So what's goin' on?"
"Oh not much.  Just a little depressed and confused lately.  I guess I need help, or I wouldn't be here, right?"
"Correctomundo."
"I'm not sure where to begin. First of all, I write a column about Nebraska football."
"No kidding.  How big is your readership?"
"Oh, about  two and a half."
"Million?"
"No. Two and half people.  My sis reads it every once in awhile."
"I see, so you wish you had more readers?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not it.  The problem is, I try to keep a positive approach to the season, you know, 'keep the faith" for my readers, you might say.  But lately,  I'm having a tough time keeping up my own spirits."
"So your team is struggling."
"Big time.  We're having trouble scoring in the Red Zone. 
"I see.  What's the Red Zone?"
"It's between the opponent's 20 yard line and their end zone.  For us, touchdowns have been harder to find than Crag Bohl at Frank Solich Appreciation Night.  And our quarterback........(sigh)"
"Go on.  What about the quarterback?"
"Well, you see, he's a fifth year senior, and a co-captain to boot, and well, you never know what he's going to do.  He continues to throw off the wrong foot, misses wide open receivers in the end zone and throws perfect passes to wide open defenders.  And, mygawd, he fumbles at the worst possible times.  He makes some really dumb decisions.  He's a great athlete and probably a nice kid who tries really hard each game, but things got so bad Saturday night, I had to chug the rest of my bottle of Jammalazine pills during the half.  Thankfully I made it through the second half.  He's just......
"Are you okay?  You're starting to sweat quite a bit.  Here's a box of Kleenex.  Go on."
"Thanks.  We have this freshman quarterback sensation who's going to be a great player.  He can run, throw-the works and he's smart, too.  He's young and he's learning the offense real fast."
"So you think they should play him instead of the other guy?"
"Exactly.  I just don't get it.  The coaches stay with this dipstick even though he is a liability most of the time."
"I see.  So your team probably hasn't won many games this year."
"Well, no.  We're undefeated."
"Undefeated?  I see.  Well then, they must not be ranked very high?"
"Umm, no.  We're ranked number 15 in the country."
"But you're not happy because they've been slipping in the polls lately, right?"
"Ummm, no.  Actually, we've gone up each week."
"Okay, so they're not doing too well in the conference."
"We're in first place in our division."
"I see.  Now we're getting somewhere. So it must be the defense that's not doing too great. That's what's bothering you, right?"
"Nope.  Our defense hasn't allowed a point in the second half of any of our games.  In fact, they're the number one defense in the country."
"Then your offense must be pretty poor-what with a bad quarterback and all."
"Not exactly.  We're ranked in the top 10 in running the football.  And we have a huge advantage in time of  possession through the first three games."
"Hmmm.  So let me get this straight.  Your team is undefeated, right?  They're ranked number 15 in the country.  They've been climbing in the polls every week for the past 3 weeks.  They're number one in their division.  Your defense is the best in all of college football and your team ranks in the Top Ten in running the football, right?"
"I guess so."
"And you're depressed?"
"Uh-huh."
"In that case, I have the perfect cure."
"What's that?"
"I'm sending you to where I went to school."
"Where's that?" 
"Utah State."
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MORE MEDIA NO-NO'S
SNUCK, as in:
"Well Adrian, the defender snuck up behind him and jarred the ball loose."  The word is sneaked, not snuck.  (sneak, sneaked, has sneaked)
TIED UP, as in:
"Well Adrian, "Nebraska tied the game up by kicking a field goal".
Did Nebraska use ribbon or rope to tie up the game?  The word is tied, the damn "up" ain't necessary. 
There, I feel better already.
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS AND PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Former President Bill Clinton will be appearing in a series of print ads promoting the National Glass Council.  Underneath the picture of the ex-president, the caption says:
"I FEEL YOUR PANE"
And ABC-TV's Barbara Walters will be appearing in a televised Public Service Announcement that says:
"DON'T DWINK AND DWIVE"
THIS JUST IN
Lincoln police report that someone broke into the Lincoln city Police Station after the Penn State game late Saturday night and stole all the bathroom plumbing fixtures.  As yet there aren't any suspects.  A somewhat dejected police chief announced early Sunday morning, "We have nothing to go on."
 
(Okay, so this an old joke, but so what.)
JOKE DEPARTMENT
This is a story Tom Osborne told during a speech he gave in out state Nebraska back in the 70s.  
 
"Several years ago when Johnny Rodgers was playing for Nebraska, he got injured during a real close game.   I was the first one on the field to check on him.  Johnny was stretched out on the field and it didn't look good.
'So, how are you feelin'?' I asked.
'I'm okay, but how's the crowd takin' it?'"
ROSE BOWL PLEA
Does anyone know how I can get in touch with any of the players who played on Nebraska's 1941 Rose Bowl game?  I would love to hear from them.  Please email me at:  huskerdan@cox.net.  Thanks!
QUOTE MAYBE OF THE YEAR
"Lord has the potential to be a terrific safety, maybe a good linebacker or even a decent running back.  He also has the potential, as a quarterback, to get his coach fired."
Al Carter, Dallas Morning News

You can write Husker Dan at:  huskerdan@cox.net