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HUSKER DAN'S
SPECIAL FOOTBALL PRIMER FOR THE 2003 SEASON!!!!!
 
SINCE THE LAST HUSKER GAME, YOU MAY HAVE FORGOT SOME VERY ESSENTIAL FOOTBALL INFORMATION.  HUSKER DAN HAS IT ALL, RIGHT HERE, FOR YOU IN HIS SPECIAL EDITION.
FOOTBALL TERMINOLOGY YOU NEED TO KNOW SO YOU DON'T ACT STUPID LIKE THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO YOU AT THE GAME
OFFENSIVE LINEMAN:
A tackle who passes gas in the huddle
NO HUDDLE OFFENSE
See "OFFENSIVE LINEMAN"
A FOOT SHORT
See Jim Rose, Frank Solich and Cory Ross
WIDE AND TO THE LEFT
Where Teddy Kennedy sits in the Senate
SPIKE THE BALL
A weird name for a ball
MILK THE CLOCK
A weird name for a clock
FORWARD LATERAL
An oxymoron
TWO MINUTE DRILL
Needs new batteries
THE CROSS BAR
One owned by Ron Brown
HIT THE GOAL POST
What Richie Incognito should have done instead at Penn State last year.
WE
How Husker fans refer to their team when "we" are winning.
THEY
How Husker fans refer to their team when "they" are stinking up the place.
POOCH KICK
PETA wants this sucker outlawed.
FAIR CATCH
Average.  Could be better.
HE PICKS HIS HOLE WELL
As in, "Well, Adrian, that fullback really picks his hole well."  I mean, if the dude has a problem like that, shouldn't he visit his proctologist and get a bottle of worm pills?
COFFIN CORNER
Where all the smokers sit (coughin'-get it?)
IDD-NEE
As in, "Well Adrian, he's a pretty darn good receiver, idd-nee?"
(See also, wood-nee, wahdd-nee, could-nee)
REPEAT THE DOWN
As in when the official says, "There's a five yard penalty, repeat second down."  If they keep repeating the down, won't they keep getting the same results?  Geez, I mean, the game could go on forever.
FOURTH AND LONG
Where the original NU football field used to be located (just east of Barry's).
THREE AND OUT
The maximum number of fights a player can be in before he's thrown out of Barry's.
 
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY
Damitol 500mg
 To be taken when your team suffers through a dreadful 7 loss, non-winning season and has 2 home losses to boot.
Jammalazine 200mg
To be taken whenever your QB throws into double and triple coverage, or when he overthrows a wide open receiver and instead hits a wide-open defender who returns it 50 yards for a touchdown.
Myteemzaphalen 50mg
To be taken when your favorite team is behind and is getting punk-slapped.  Take one tablet for each point your team's behind.  If there is less than a minute to go in the game and your team is still losing, chug the whole bottle.
Scorazine 100mg
To be taken whenever your team gets into the Red Zone but has to settle for a field goal attempt that gets blocked.
West DeNile Virus
A scary mental condition found in those doofuses who have seats in the north end zone but who say they wouldn't want el primo seats on the west side half way up on the 50 yard line.  "From the end zone you can see the plays developing-you can see the holes opening up.  I'll take end zone seats any day.  You couldn't give me tickets on the west side!"   Yeah, right.
Pollarhoids
A frustrating mental condition caused by fans believing their favorite team should be ranked higher in all the football polls.
Floridosis
An inflammation believed to be caused by football fans who think their team is no good unless it has a bunch of players from the state of Florida.
Nonsackquitor
A condition resulting from your team's inability to record any quarterback sacks in a critical game.
Lossteoporosis
A sometimes fatal disease that results when fans' annual expectations for an undefeated, national championship season don't materialize.
HUSKER FEVER
If you are lucky enough to have this disease, remember, there is no cure.  Nor will there ever be one.  Nor should there.
 
I'll bet you don't remember what an interview with Nebraska head football coach is really like, do you?  No sense in dragging out your old video tapes from last season.  Just read Husker Dan's fast-forward interview.
A MINI INTERVIEW WITH FRANK SOLICH
Sports Reporter:  What can you tell us, coach, about the Huskers as they approach the season opener with the Oklahoma State Cowboys?
Coach Solich:  Well, cernly, without question, at this point in time, we're happy with where're we're AT.
SR:  What have practices been like this summer?
CS:  Well, generly, without question, at this point in time, our players have been practicing very hard on the football fill'd this summer.
SR:  What are your thoughts about last season's bowl loss to Ole Miss in the Liberty Bowl?
CS:  Well, without question, that's a game that coulda went either way.  Our defense was on the fill'd way too long in that game.
SR:  We've been talking with Nebraska Head Football Coach, Frank Solich.  Thanks, visiting with us coach.
CS:  Cernly.

 

You can e-mail Husker Dan at