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H U S K E R    D A N

 
YOU'VE SEEN HIM ON TV, YOU'VE READ HIS BOOKS, YOU'VE SEEN HIM IN THE MOVIES AND ON LATE NIGHT CAR COMMERCIALS AND CRUMMY VOICE-OVERS. LOOK!!!  UP IN THE SKY, IT'S A BIRD, IT'S A PLANE, IT'S...IT'S...IT'S...
 "THE CHIP CHUCKLEY SHOW" !!!!!
THE THEME MUSIC BLASTS AWAY TO THE DB LEVELS OF A HARRIER JET AND AN F-16 ON A COMBAT MISSION IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.
FU-WAMMPAH, FU-WAMMMPAH
FU-WAMAM-A-WAMMY WAMMPAH
BOOM BOOM BLAMM,
TA BOOM BOOM BLAMM!
TA BIDDY-BIDDY BLAMM!
THE THEME MUSIC, WHICH THIS STATION WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD PLAYING ANY OTHER TIME, MERCIFULLY STARTS TO FADE FROM ITS CONTACT LENS-BREAKING LEVELS...
Chip:  And good evening everybody and welcome to tonight's edition of "Sports Chat" with your host, Chip Chuckley.  There's a lot to talk about tonight.  It was a big weekend for Husker sports.  There was the baseball series with Texas and more importantly, there was the much anticipated Husker Spring Football Game in Lincoln Saturday.
 
This, of course, was the first Spring Game of the "New Era".  There are new coaches and new schemes and new hope for the 2003 season.
 
We want to know what you thought of the game, the coaches and the players.  Are the Huskers on the right track in their quest to turn things around after last year's dismal 7 and 7 season, or will the Huskers continue to struggle?
 
The switchboard is lit up like Baghdad in March.  You may call us to-foo, er, toll free at 1-800 SPORTS CHAT.  Let's go to our first caller.
Chip:  You're on "Sports Chat".
Caller:  Hello?  Am I on?
CC:  Go ahead.
C:  This is Brad from Omaha.  I just wanted to say, that if this is the Husker team that's going to show up this fall, they're going to be as much fun to watch as a Lori Line-Kenny G-Fabian-Yanni concert.  And if Jammal, the "New and Improved" quarterback, is going to be counted on to take us to the Promised Land this year, we're going to be in deep do-do.  Lord seems to have picked up where he left off in the Liberty Bowl.  That's the bad news.
CC:  Do you think Curt Dukes may earn the starting position? 
C:  Yeah, and I might climb Mt. Everest on a pogo stick.  Coach ain't going to put his career on the line with a redshirt freshman.  No way, Chipperoni.
CC:  What about Garth Glissman?  Do you think he has a chance?
C:  Oh you bet!  Listen Chippy, the only thing that will get a coach fired faster than starting a redshirt freshman, is starting a walk-on true freshman.
CC:  Let's go to our next caller.
C:  Am I on?
CC:  Go ahead, you're on.
C:  Chuck?
CC:  Chip.  Go Ahead, you're on.
C:  Chuck?  Hello.  Am I on?
CC:  Chip.  Go ahead.
C:  Chuck?
CC:  Chip.  (Swears under his breath)  Let's try another caller.  Welcome to Sports Chat.
C:   This is Darrel from Verdigre.  Um, I just wanted to say that the Spring Game was pretty boring.  The defense had no variety-same stupid front all game long.  And defending our sorry butt offense should have been a breeze for Pelini's weenies.  Little Bo Bleep needs to get his act together.  That's all I got to say.
CC:  Let's go to our next caller, Ken from Chadron.  Welcome to "Sports Chat".
C:  I'm a long time listener, first time caller.  I really like your show.  You really tell it like it is.  As far as the que bee thing goes, I agree with the other caller.  Jammal is the guy.  Glissman and the others don't stand a chance.
CC:  I'm afraid you may be correct.  Let's go to our next caller.
C:  Um, this is Bo, I mean Carl, yeah Carl from Lincoln.  I just want to say to all those people who are trashing the defense, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU FREAKIN' IDIOTS THINK I, er,  WE SHOULD DO?  SHOW ALL OUR FREAKIN' DEFENSIVE SCHEMES?  HUH?  DO YOU THINK I'M, er, THEY ARE CRAZY?  YOU WANT ME, I mean, THEM TO SHOW LES MILES AND JO PAPPY WHAT WE'RE GOING TO USE SO THEY CAN HAVE ALL SUMMER TO WORK ON IT?  YOU MUST OUT OF YOUR FREAKIN' MIND!  YOU WANT FRONTS?  PACKAGES? STUNTS?  THIS FALL, WE'LL HAVE MORE FRONTS THAN THE WEATHER CHANNEL, MORE PACKAGES THAN FED-X AND MORE STUNTS THAN RINGLING BROTHERS.  YOU PEOPLE MAKE MY BUTT TIRED!!  That's all I got to say.
CC:  Wow.  That caller sounded familiar, didn't he?  He does make some very good points. Let's go to our next caller.  You're on "Sports Chat".
C:  This is, um, G.G. from Lincoln.  I think Garth Glissman should be given a chance at quarterback this fall.  The kid is big, has a rocket arm and can scramble.  The kid is tough, too.  Did you see the hits I, er, Garth took Saturday?  Give the kid a chance.  The kid's gonna be in the NFL someday.  Mark my word.
CC:  We have time for one more caller.  We go to Scott in Omaha.  Welcome to "Sports Chat".
C:  Hey, it's great to be on.  Really like your show.  I have a question.  Have you ever gone to Huskerpedia.com?
CC:  It's one of my favorites.
C:  Right.  Well, there's this new guy on there-he writes a column.  I think his name is Husker Dean or something like that.  Anyways, he wrote some funny lyrics to "Take Me Out To The Ballgame".  Did you see it?
CC:  No, I'm afraid I haven't.
C:  Well, I wrote some lyrics, too.  Is it okay to sing them on the air?
CC:  As long as the lyrics are clean.  This is a family show, you know.
C:  Great.  Here goes:
I just came from the Spring Game,
Couldn't believe what I saw!
Throwing to Davies to start the game,
We're starting to look like the Hurricanes!
 
For it's try to throw to the I-backs,
If not, we'll know who to blame,
For it's One, Two, Three drops you're out,
That's the old ballgame!
CC:  Thanks Scott for that beautiful rendition!  I'm afraid that's all the time we have for tonight's show.  Join us tomorrow for another edition of "Sports Chat" with your host, Chip Chuckley.  Thanks for listening.
(THE SCREECHING THEME SONG RETURNS TO ITS FORMER BONE-JARRING LEVELS)