R E D    C L A D    L O O N

Winging It 15:
POLL POSITIONING
12.12.003

The American poet Tom Petty -- who I always thought looked an awful lot like my cousin Bruce, by the way -- once opined that "the waiting is the hardest part." And as we all know, those words have taken on special meaning in the Cornhusker State these days. I'm talking, of course, about our esteemed athletic director's hunt for a new football coach, which some have come to believe is starting to resemble our government's hunt for Osama bin Laden. To them, I (and Tom) say: Don't let it kill you baby, don't let it get to you. It'll all be over soon.

Still, for Nebraskans it's been an unsettling twelve days. A Gallup Poll conducted this week showed that 71 percent of respondents wish that Steve Pederson would just hurry up and get off the pot, already. That's compared to 21 percent who said they would wait patiently for however long it takes because, well, he's Steve Pederson, so he must be doing the right thing, right? Right? And lastly, 8 percent of respondents simply pretended they were not home because Bravo was showing a weeklong Mannix-A-Thon and they didn't want to miss any of it.

The survey asked a lot of other questions, too, in an attempt to get Nebraskans' pulse on the current state of college football. And since we've got nothing better to do -- and judging by the fact that you're still reading this, you don't either -- here are the complete results of the latest poll.

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It is actually possible to get dumber by listening to sports talk radio.
94%   Agree
3%     Disagree
3%     Rack me

The odds-on favorite to win this year's MasterCard Alamo Bowl is:
47% The basketball school
53% The baseball school

The most earth-shaking pre-emptive strike of 2003:
42% The one in Baghdad
58% The one in Lincoln

Most effective way to get Kansas State to stop pummeling us in the fourth quarter:
33% Call their coach a #@!&ing @!$hole
67% Tackle them

Nebraska was backing into the national title game before Oklahoma made backing into the national title game "en vogue."
19%   Agree
10%   Disagree
71%   Florida State, 1993

What have you been talking about at work, other than the Nebraska coaching search?
17%    Which other schools may be interested in candidates for the Nebraska coaching search
18%    What Internet sites are saying about the Nebraska coaching search
25%    Who we know for sure isn't involved in the Nebraska coaching search
40%    Whether that cute girl in marketing would be impressed with my knowledge of the latest rumors involving Nebraska's coaching search

The margin-of-victory-counters calling for the NU AD's head after K-State mugged Oklahoma in the Big 12 title game:
21%  Boy, I didn't see that one coming
79%  Coulda set my watch to it

Least favorite personalized license plates:
13%    FRANK4EVA
23%    FREE L P
14%    MYOPICHSKR
50%    2FAT2FURIOUS

In less than a month, Louisiana State University will:
20%   Win the National Championship in the Sugar Bowl
25%   Fall to the Sooners in a hard-fought contest
55%   Be on probation, probably

Best way to get five-star blue chippers to stay in Lincoln:
19%   Drive them to the tallest pile of dirty snow ... in a limousine
10%   Have them check into a Recruit Motel (TM) by Black Flag
61%   Downplay that whole "getting hammered by Texas every year" thing

Happiness ...
12%   Is a warm gun
28%   Is nine wins
60%   Used to be nine wins, but we'll need to get back to you on that one

It doesn't, actually, get any lousier than Mark May:
39%   Yes
61%   Kellen Winslow Sr.

Least appetizing Runza ovenstuff'd sandwich:
9%    Plain
12%  Cheese
17%  Teriyaki Chicken
62%  Banana

An ounce of prevention is worth:
14%   A pound of cure
86%   Roughly $800,000 to buy out Frank's contract

Beef, water, pork, salt and dextrose mixed with corn syrup, flavoring, monosodium glutamate, sodium erythoribate and sodium nitrite:
100%   Fairbury Brand Tomboy Stadium Dogs

Most deserving of an Oscar for his harrowing wartime role:
41%   Tom Hanks, "Saving Private Ryan"
22%   Charlie Sheen, "Platoon"
37%   Mel Gibson, "We Were Soldiers"
0%     Kellen Winslow Jr., "Tennessee 10 Miami 6"

This month, Nebraska's defense is preparing for Michigan State passer Jeff:
60%   Smoker
21%   Joker
19%   Midnight Toker

"Success cannot be judged only by wins and losses ..."
23%   ... it is More Than Winning."
77%   ... well, unless you're counting the losses."

Which has seen more alterations in the last five years?
51%   Michael Jackson
49%   Bowl Championship Series formula

Frank Solich was 9-3 this season, but he went 0-3 in "real" games. What was Tom Osborne's actual record at Nebraska?
62%   255-49-3
38%   0-49-3

Expected headline when "interim" is removed from the current coach's title:
57%   'Huskers make hire'
43%   'Bo Nose'

A fool and his money are:
7%    Soon parted
93%   "N"

==STEVE==
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