HUSKER HEADLINES
HUSKERS KAN; KANSAS KAN'T, 14-8
HUSKERS GET BUTT-UGLY WIN, DOWN JAYBIRDS 14-8
HUSKERS SCORING IMPLOSION DOWNS KU, 14-8
HUSKER "D" GETS "W", 14-8

(CAUTION: YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A ZONE THAT MAY CONTAIN BRIEF GLIMPSES OF FULL FRONTAL SATIRE, HUMOR AND THE OCCASIONAL PARODY. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED, PLEASE ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK...)
BIG WED WAP-UP
Okay, so you thought the Pitt game was ugly. You thought it couldn't get much uglier, right? You thought with an extra week to prepare for the Jaybirds that we'd knock over the helpless and hapless Jay-squawkers and lay about 50 on these dudes, right?

Okay, so those of us who said that were off just a little bit. Who cares? Did Custer underestimate the Sioux and Cheyenne at the Little Bighorn? Is Drew Barrymore a gawd-awful actress? Did the Germans bomb Pearl Harbor?

Okay, so how bad was it?

This was like the Russian women's weight lifting team auditioning for the cover of Vogue.
It was like two bear cubs trying to be mate with a football (I cleaned that one up, didn't I?)

Okay, so Husker Dan is going to try to alibi, er, explain his way out of his second disaster in a row. (You all remember the "Darrell R. Turbeau" mess, don't you?)

I'm going to tell it like it is. So listen up.
ZONE DEFENSE
This is a SPIN ZONE, so keep your pants on, okay? Just settle down, and Husker Dan will try to tell you what is going on with our dear little Huskers.
SCORES TO SETTLE
Are you listening?
Okay, so here are some scores for you to ponder.
NORTHWESTERN 20 KANSAS 17
NORTHWESTERN 33 OHIO STATE 27
TEXAS TECH 31 KANSAS 30
OKLAHOMA 28 TEXAS TECH 13
HUSKERS 14 KANSAS 8

Okay, so here comes the BS, er explanation:
Kansas ain't that bad. They ain't great, but they are going to spoil someone's season this year-mark my word on this one. (Translation: KU over KSU this Saturday in Lawrence.) Take it to the bank. You know I'm right.

Texas Tech ain't that bad. Iowa State ain't bad. Baylor's bad. (I'll give you that one.)

Northwestern beat the Buckeyes in OT Saturday night. Are you with me on this one?
LOOKING AHEAD
Here's the kicker: The Huskers with the extra week worked a lot on Texas Tech (!) And the Sooners (it could be said) did the same, preparing for their showdown in the Big D this Saturday with the Shorthorns. (Translation: Sooners over the Cows.) Are you still with me on this one, Bunky?

Hey, it's possible, ain't it? Huh? The Huskers were playing the Jaybirds but were thinking-are you ready for this? about the Red Raiders! Bill Callahan sure in blazes doesn't want to lose to ANY team named the Raiders, now does he?

THINK ABOUT IT!!!!

So should we criticize ol' Billy for overlooking KU? Okay, so I know it's a stretch, but I'm desperate. That's all I got at this point.
THE WIMP FACTOR
Okay, so we know (at least we should all know) that this year's Husker offense is a WIP-a Work In Progress. But now we know (or should know by now) that this offense is really a WIMP-a Work In Moderate Progress. So until our WIMP offense gets its collective legs, there will be nights (and days) like the one we all saw and grimaced at Saturday night in Lincoln.

It was hard to watch. Your trusted friend, Husker Dan, with his rose-colored glasses saw it all IN PERSON and will be man enough to admit that he closed his eyes occasionally, in disbelief-especially in the 4th quarter.

"GO BIG GREEN", I kept saying. "These are just kids, learning a brand-spanking new offense. Joe Dailey is going to have good days and bad days," I kept saying to myself.
MORE "NOWLEDGE"
Here's some more stuff that I know for sure:
Adam Barmann is a mensch. He was hammered by Coz's boys all night long, but the former 8 man football star from the Show Me state kept peeling himself off the Field Turf, and like Rocky Balboa, kept comin' back for more. Thanks to poor clock management by KU head coach Mark Mangino, the poster boy for the "Dig-In Boofay" in Lawrence, the Huskers were able to hang on for the second game in a row, batting down yet another last second Hail Mary shot.

The Blackshirts saved our bacon, our hide, our butts, however you want to purse it. Dadgummit, they were awesome. And the offense played lights out football-meaning they played like the Stadium lights had gone out and didn't know what to do.
PUZZLES
Puzzling were the non-WCO mistakes: the offside penalties, the bad pitch, the missed field goals, the fumble by Ross "The Boss" Pilkington, Jay Dee throwing off the wrong foot. Porkchop ran hard, but when your first half highlights include the Huskers downing a punt inside the KU 5 yard line, you know you're in trouble.
ROLLER COASTER
Let's see, Dailey has a pretty good game in Game #1. Then has a stinker in Game #2. Game #3 (Pitt) he plays his best game as a Husker. Game #4, guess what? Another stinker. Is there a pattern here? Good, then bad, then good, then bad... Hmmmmm

SPECIAL FEATURE!!!!!!
HUSKER DAN'S MOVIE REVIEWS
SNYDERMAN-2
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Kirsten Dunst
Category: Adventure
Time: 1 hour 48 minutes

This is the sequel to last year's original "Snyderman". This time, Parker Callahan, is called upon to save the Land of Korn from the evils of that diabolical, 11 tentacled coach Snyder, whose teams have wreaked havoc in the Big 12 North for several years.

As the story goes, Parker left his gung-ho college football coaching career to try his hand in the NFL because he wanted to spend more time with his family. As a college coach, he was always gone, traipsing after promising blue chip recruits and trying to keep his programs on top.

At first, the transition from college to the pros was good-he enjoyed more time at home, but after two years as head coach in the pros, he lost his ability and the desire to deal with over-paid and underachieving pro players, and was further stressed at having to contend with his tyrannical boss, the evil Dr. Davis.

It was at that time, that there was a struggling college team in the Land of Korn that needed someone to salvage its once proud program. Dr. Stevie, the head of the Land of Korn, called to see if Parker would like the job. Parker didn't know if he could do it, or even if he still had the magic he once had for the college game. As luck would have it, he found his Snyderman college costume that had been tossed into a trash can. He retrieved it, put it on and soon felt his powers coming back. So Parker came to the Land of Korn and accepted the daunting task of restoring its once proud football program.
*** 1/2 stars Rated PG 13
PS. Look for the sequel, "Snyderman III" coming next year.

GESUNDHEIT 9/11
Category: Fiction
Time: Seems like forever

Michael Moron's latest documentary uncovers the intricate plot that shows unequivocally how Tom Osborne conspired with Howard Schnellenberger at Miami to lose to the Hurricanes in the 1984 Orange Bowl. Mr. Moron says, the movie's title comes from his belief that his movie is definitely nothing to sneeze at.

According to Moron's investigation, Tom Osborne's career, as all Husker fans know, soared when he was elevated into an almost a hero-worship status by the famous "going for two" play that defined the Nebraska head coach's career. According to Mr. Moron, Osborne's status was not achieved by accident, but happened as a result of a carefully planned conspiracy, devised by both Osborne and Schnellenberger. Part of the deal was that Miami and Schnellenberger were to benefit first, by getting Miami its first national championship in 1983. Schnellenbeger's stock rose quickly and the Miami Hurricanes were catapulted into national prominence and where they remain today as one of the top programs in the country.

But the conspiracy also called for Schnellenberger to leave Miami. In 1984, he took over the head coaching job with the Louisville Cardinals, and in '95 after 10 years with Louisville that ended with a 6-5 season in '94, he left the Cards to take over the head coaching job at Oklahoma in '95. It would soon become obvious that Howard didn't fit in too well at OU, where he managed to leak off Sooner fans, boosters, players and assistants, sportswriters, grounds crew, maintenance people, band members and was fired after a dismal 5-5-1 season.

And after 5 years in relative obscurity, Howie returned to coaching when he glommed onto the head coaching job at Florida Atlantic where his team finished 11-3 last year.

Osborne's part of the arrangement, by going for two instead of tying the game that most surely would have given him (and the Huskers) his first national championship in '83, was that he could stay on at Nebraska only until his teams won a total of 3 national championships. Osborne got his 3rd in 1997, and consequently, had to step down as the Husker head coach.

Moron's meticulously documented and thoroughly researched film also shows how the conspiracy involved such agencies as the CIA, FBI, BBC, BS&T, CRT, ATM, ABS, FOB, DDT, OCD, DOT, ROC, BMOC, HRT, NOS, NEA, KGB, OSS, STD and EIB.
*1/2 stars Rated BS

HARRY PEWTER AND THE PRISONER OF AKSARBEN
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Pewter,
Emma Watson as Hermione Groundgamey,
Maggie Smith as Professor Minerva McRunnadaball
Michael Gambon as Aluvus Fumblemoore.
Category: Fantasy
Time: 2 hours 26 minutes

Follow Harry Pewter and his voice-changing pals at Cohorts Academy as they try to solve the mystery of the lost football empire of Aksarben. It is their task to find out what happened to this once noble dynasty that, for some unexplained reason, disappeared after 42 years.

Harry discovers that the magic key they need to break the code has been locked up in the Wizard of Tee-oh castle for the past seven years. What kept this empire going for all those years? Why was the empire so successful? More importantly, what happened to the Empire of Aksarben?

Time is running out for Harry and his pals because they must solve the mystery before another football season begins. They discover the Wizard of Tee-oh living in the Land of George, who tells them the amazing secret and how the dynasty can be restored. We don't want to spoil the story by revealing the exciting ending. Don't miss this soon-to-be classic!
*** 1/2 stars Rated PG13

FROM THE EMAIL BAG
TURBEAU CHARGED
Readers:
After my apology was posted earlier this week concerning the "Darrell R. Turbeau-Cornhusker-American Editorial", my email box has been jammed with letters from well-wishers, from those who understood the satire and the humor of the piece and were quick to stand up for me. Since there is not enough time to respond to all your letters, let me just say how much I appreciate your letters of encouragement.

There were some of you who missed the piece and have asked me to send you a copy of the "editorial". Regrettably, I didn't save it and it's not posted in my archive section, so I can't be of much help.

Once again, thanks to all of you who took the time to write. You guys (and ladies) are the BEST!!!!!
HUSKER STORIES
Readers: All of you have a Husker memory or story you need to share with Husker Pride Worldwide. Your story might be about the first Husker game you ever saw; it could be about the last Husker game you shared with a loved one, or maybe it's a story of what you had to do in order to get Husker tickets. It could be a funny story or just a memorable one. Whatever memory you have, send them to [email protected] and Husker Dan will post the best ones in his column.

HUSKER DAN SEZ
Okay so if you read my "Big Wed Wap-Up" alibi, er explanation of the KU game, you got the part about Jay Dee and his on-again, off-again performances, right? Are ya still with me?

So guess what, this week is Joey's scheduled "on-again" game. Right? Hey, it could happen!!! Don't roll your eyes at me, dadgummit!!!
LET'S MAKE A DEAL
Here's the deal.

The sobering fact about this years WIMP offense, is that in the last 90 minutes of football, the last SIX quarters, the offense has scored a total of 14 whopping points. TOTAL, mind you... Well, sports fans, this week Husker Dan will bet you his stack of Frankie Avalon vinyl albums, that 14 points ain't gonna win the game Sare-day night in Lubbock.

Neva happen. The Wed Waders will be in a fever pitch (not to be confused with an inside fastball, a slider or a breaking ball). The Texuns will be all lickered up what with the 6:00 p.m. kickoff and all.

So our little Huskers are 7 point underdogs on the road to a team that averages 39 points a game at home, you say? The Blackshirts may not give up that many points TOTAL for the rest of the year. Okay, so that last comment is a bit of a stretch, but you get my drift, don'tcha?

Okay, the Huskers are gonna win this Saturday. Jay Dee will be on (remember the roller coaster bit). Coz has the best secondary in the universe and what does Cumbie "The Hummvee" need to do to be successful? Yup, he must pass the ball. Oh, he'll get some yardage, but not inside the 20s. Stats-schmatz!!!

The Huskers will come through because...I SAID so, that's why. That's all you really need, right? Am I right? Are you with me on this one?

HUSKERS 24
WASCALLY WED WADERS 21