H U S K E R D A N
Aunt Rosie is back with her
advice to Husker fans. She's getting up there in years, but is still as
spry as ever.
"She's the voice of reason during
the football season."
I'm hoping you can help me. I hadn't been to
a Husker home game since I had my own teeth, but my husband finagled me
into going with him to the M&M game, or whatever they're called.
I don't know much about football and don't know a first down from a bowling
pin, but I thought, what the hey, he said it would be fun and he's my
husband and so I went. He told me all about the other team-how they
have the Twelfth Man etc. Said I needed to know all that
Anyways, my husband "Earl" (not his real
name) said we had to leave at 7:30 in the morning. So I
says, "If the game isn't until 11:30, why in god's name do we have to leave so
early?". So he says, something about needing a beer and a bump (whatever
that is) to get warmed up for the game. So I says, okay. He
takes me to some place called The Squeeze Inn in downtown Lincoln
where its' real loud and everybody knows him. "Hey Earl, bring the
misses this week, did ya?" they say and everybody laughs. And "Earl,
did you ever get your head out of the toilet last time you was
here?!!! Ha, ha, ha,ha."
So instead of one beer, he orders whole
pitchers and it's only, like 9:00 in the morning for
cripes sake!! I mean, I'm barely awake and he's drinking beer and downing
some shooters (whatever that is). By the time we get ready to leave for
the game, he's three sheets to the wind.
I got him to the stadium okay but most of the
first half I was sitting there all by myself. Why? Because Earl
had to keep getting up, said he had to go see somebody named
Ralph. Well, he spent more time with Ralph than he did with me. And
the 2nd half wasn't much better. He sat there with his head buried in
his hands and was sweating like Arnold Schwatzenheimer (or whatever his name is)
at a NOW convention. Our seats were in the sun all day and it was
d*** hot. So Earl looks up at me and says, "I don't feel so good.
Let's leave." It was only the 3rd quarter, but, I was glad to get the h***
out of there. We dropped 84 bucks for tickets, another $15 for
parking, and god only knows how much for elbow slop and we end up
leaving early. Earl was in no shape to drive, so guess who did. Earl
crapped out in the back seat and slept all the way home. It wasn't no
joyride, I can tell you that. This was as much fun as root canal, if you
I think the game is just an excuse for him to get
ripped. He wants me to go with him to the K-State game and I don't want to go
through that h*** again. How can I tell him I don't want to
Dear Mrs. No-name
Land sakes, what a problem!! It sounds like
Earl should be more in tune with Twelve Steps rather than the Twelfth
Man! How unfortunate for you to have to sit at the game all by
yourself while Earl barfed up his biscuits with his buddy Ralph. Getting
hammered is not the best way to enjoy Husker games-okay, so it's ONE of the
ways to enjoy a Husker game.
Aunt Rosie used to bend the elbow a bit in
back in her day, too. With the awful teams we had back then, there
was more reason to drink. Aunt Rosie remembers taking the train from
Omaha to Lincoln on the "Beer Express". Aunt Rosie got to meet Ralph
But I'm losing track, here. Oh yes, unless
Earl is getting hammered all the time, he's probably just getting his game face
on. At least he's smart enough to have you to drive
him home. Maybe you could go with him to Lincoln. He heads for
the bar and you go shopping. You pick him up after the game (he can
call you on your cell phone if he needs to leave early). Earl gets to
see the game, has a few jolts and you get some serious
shopping done. And more important, he has you to make
sure he reaches home safely. That's what I'd do. Good luck,
I'm so mad I could scream!!!! I have a
friend who says that you aren't real-that you are mythical-you
know, made up-and anyone who believes in you is stupid. Imagine
that! The doofus doesn't think you exist. Anyways, I thought you
could set the record straight. Everybody knows you are real, right?
Let 'em have it, Rosie!!!
Dear Mavis: Is a cloud real? Is the air
real? Is Yanni real? (Forget that one.) Yes, I am real.
I'm REAL nice, I'm REAL old, I'm REAL fat and I get REAL mad when someone thinks
I'm fake! Land sakes, what's a person have to do to prove she's the real
deal? Cut me and do I not bleed? Hit me and do I not smack
Yes, Virginia, there is an Aunt Rosie, I'm very
happy to announce. Tell your friend that Christmas is coming soon.
Have him get some of that white stuff you spray on your tree and tell him to go
flock himself. Good luck, deary.
What a nightmare we had recently. We invited
a couple who are new to the area, to watch the Missouri game with us. We
fixed a nice dinner, we had wine etc. The game begins and the wife, Marla
(not her real name) says to me, "You're Husker fans? Good, then I'll root
for the other team." I mean, she's never been to Missouri and has no clue
about the Huskers, Missouri or college football for that matter, but all
night, whenever Missouri would do something good or when the Huskers screwed up,
she cheer like an idiot.
We couldn't wait for them to leave. The
problem is, they've invited us to watch the Colorado game at their place this
year. I'm dreading going. They're a nice couple except for their
incredible rude behavior. What should we do? How can we get out of
ever watching another Husker game with those two ingrates?
Grand Island, NE
Dear Darlene: Aunt Rosie almost swallowed her
new dentures when she read your letter!!! Land sakes, such
rudeness is hard to understand. Cheering for the Huskers is rather
like a religious experience. It should never be mocked or ridiculed.
And that's what your dopey house guest was doing to you.
Now Aunt Rosie can understand if you knew ahead of
time that your guests would be of a different persuasion, everyone would know
what to expect. There's nothing wrong with rooting for your team, but to
root against a team just because someone is rooting for it, is classless,
to say the least-and she did it as an invited guest in your house!! My, oh
Aunt Rosie would never be in favor of terminating a
friendship over a football game, but she'll make an exception in this
case. You'd be miserable again if you ever watch another Husker game with
them. Life is too short to spend it with someone who makes fun of your
religion. Say anything to get out of this one. Good luck,
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