H U S K E R D A N
YOU KNOW YOU'RE
A HUSKER FAN WHEN …
(VOLUME
II)
1.) You have a picture
of Gary Barnett on your dart board.
2.) You have a picture of
Gary Barnett on the bottom of your birdcage.
3.) You play the Tunnel Walk
music at your wedding.
3.) You play the Tunnel Walk
music on your wedding night.
4.) You plan to get married
by the bronze Husker statue on the east side of the
Stadium.
5.) You've already been
married by the bronze Husker statue.
6.) You have a Big Red
toilet seat.
7.) You use a toilet
seat.
8.) You have a toilet
seat.
9.) You've actually seen a
toilet seat.
10.) You want to root for
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers because they have ex-Husker player and assistant coach
Monte Kiffin running their defense, but can't because they also have Warren
Sapp on their team.
11.) Your daughter, whom
you've nicknamed Red, writes Husker Dan.
12.) Husker Dan actually
writes her back.
13.) Your son, whom you've
named Biff, doesn't read Husker Dan.
14.) You like the movie
"Rudy" but you would REALLY like it if it were about a Husker player instead of
a Domer.
15.) You love it when
Colorado loses.
16.) You love it when
K-State loses.
17.) You miss seeing Steve
Spurrier lose at Florida.
18.) You miss seeing Rick
Nueheisel lose anywhere.
19.) You think Cirrus' "Eye
In The Sky" by the Alan Parsons Project is classical
music.
20.) You miss the annual
Nebraska-Oklahoma shoot-out.
21.) You miss Barry
Switzer...sorta.
22.) You've had your picture
taken with Li'l Red.
23.) You look like Li'l
Red.
24.) You ARE Li'l
Red.
25.) You get teary-eyed when
you watch "Husker Century Part III".
26.) You get teary-eyed when
your little kid's first words are "Colorado sucks."
27.) You forward a copy of
this stupid piece to another Husker fan.
28.) You have Husker
friends.
29.) You have any
friends.
30.) You know who the
"Smilin' Assassin" was.
31.) You know who used to
say "This is our house."
32.) You bought a big screen
tv on sale because the store said the tv would be free if the Huskers won the
national championship that year. Four years later, you're still making payments on that
sucker.
33.) You dread having
something bad happen to you during a Husker game because you know that
absolutely no one is going to come to your rescue until the game's
over.
34.) You have your picture
taken wearing one of those stupid corncob hats.
35.) You had your wedding
picture taken wearing one of those hats.
36.) Your home town
restaurant has its restrooms labeled "Heifers" and
"Steers".
37.) You know what a heifer
is.
38.) You know what a steer
is.
39.) You can smell the
difference between piggy ca-ca and cow ca-ca.
40.) Your home town
restaurant called Verlene's Cafe is actually run by someone named
Verlene.
41.) Your family has always
bought International Harvester farm implements not because they're
necessarily any better, but because they're red and not green like them
John Deere ones.
42.) You actually know the
difference between a Deere and let's say, an M or an H.
43.) You who "The Sandman"
was.
44.) You spend way too much
time reading and debating Husker issues.
45.) You spend way too much
time writing a lame sports column about Husker football.
46.) You've played 8 man
football.
47.) You know how long the
football field is in 8 man football.
48.) You've seen an 8 man
football game.
49.) You actually saw an 8
man football game one time, but you were hammered so bad that night,
you still think there were 11 men on each team-or maybe even 16 or
even 25.
50.) You're old enough
to know who Frank Patrick was.
51.) You know he was
6'7".
52.) You think he came
from a dairy somewhere in Pennsylvania.
53.) You know he actually
came from Derry, Pennsylvania.
54.) You can remember your first Husker "Moment".
55.) You arrive at the Stadium an hour early so you can see the team
warming up.
56.) You park close to area code 308 so you find a cheap
parking space on game day.
57.) You have season parking.
58.) You bought a $100,000 motor home just so you could tailgate
before each Husker home game.
59.) You've never figured a per game cost for the sucker.
60.) To justify the cost of the motor home, you say, "What the hell,
it's cheaper than one of them luxury suites they have in the Stadium. AND,
I can get sloshed in my motor home. Try THAT in a skybox!"
You can write Husker Dan at: [email protected]