H U S K E R D A N
HEADLINES
HUSKERS HAVE "O"
ZONE PROBLEMS, BUT KICK LIONS 18-10
HUSKERS' RUNS, HITS AND ERRORS DOWN
LIONS, 18-10
DYCHES, "JOLTIN'"
JOSH TOO MUCH FOR LIONS, 18-10
"O" LINE
CLOTHESLINES LIONS, 18-10
HUSKER "O" LINE
BUSY, LIONS' LINE, NOT, 18-10
ASTRONAUT TAKES
BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT
************************************************************
BIG WED WAP
UP
A VISIT TO DR. IMA
SHRINK
"The doctor will see you now,
sir," the receptionist says as she smacks her bubble gum.
"Won't you please come in, Mr...."
the doctor says as she's looking at my chart.
"Just call me
Dan," I reply, nervously.
"Please have a seat," she says as
she points to a big overstuffed leather chair.
"I think I'd rather lie down on
the couch, if that's okay with you."
"Make yourself comfortable.
So what's goin' on?"
"Oh not much. Just a little
depressed and confused lately. I guess I need help, or I wouldn't be here,
right?"
"Correctomundo."
"I'm not sure where to begin.
First of all, I write a column about Nebraska football."
"No kidding. How big is your
readership?"
"Oh, about two and a
half."
"Million?"
"No. Two and half people. My
sis reads it every once in awhile."
"I see, so you wish you had more
readers?"
"Well, yeah, but that's not
it. The problem is, I try to keep a positive approach to the season, you
know, 'keep the faith" for my readers, you might say. But lately,
I'm having a tough time keeping up my own spirits."
"So your team is
struggling."
"Big time. We're having
trouble scoring in the Red Zone.
"I see. What's the Red
Zone?"
"It's between the opponent's 20
yard line and their end zone. For us, touchdowns have been harder to find
than Crag Bohl at Frank Solich Appreciation Night. And our
quarterback........(sigh)"
"Go on. What about the
quarterback?"
"Well, you see, he's a fifth year
senior, and a co-captain to boot, and well, you never know what he's going to
do. He continues to throw off the wrong foot, misses wide open receivers
in the end zone and throws perfect passes to wide open defenders. And,
mygawd, he fumbles at the worst possible times. He makes some really
dumb decisions. He's a great athlete and probably a nice kid who tries
really hard each game, but things got so bad Saturday night, I had to chug
the rest of my bottle of Jammalazine pills during the half.
Thankfully I made it through the second half. He's
just......
"Are you okay? You're
starting to sweat quite a bit. Here's a box of Kleenex. Go
on."
"Thanks. We have this
freshman quarterback sensation who's going to be a great player. He
can run, throw-the works and he's smart, too. He's young and he's
learning the offense real fast."
"So you think they should play him
instead of the other guy?"
"Exactly. I just don't get
it. The coaches stay with this dipstick even though he is a
liability most of the time."
"I see. So your team
probably hasn't won many games this year."
"Well, no. We're
undefeated."
"Undefeated? I see.
Well then, they must not be ranked very high?"
"Umm, no. We're ranked
number 15 in the country."
"But you're not happy because
they've been slipping in the polls lately,
right?"
"Ummm, no. Actually, we've
gone up each week."
"Okay, so they're not doing too
well in the conference."
"We're in first place in our
division."
"I see. Now we're getting
somewhere. So it must be the defense that's not doing too great.
That's what's bothering you, right?"
"Nope. Our defense hasn't
allowed a point in the second half of any of our games. In
fact, they're the number one defense in the
country."
"Then your offense must
be pretty poor-what with a bad quarterback and all."
"Not exactly. We're ranked in the top 10 in running the football. And we have a huge advantage in time of possession through the first three games."
"Not exactly. We're ranked in the top 10 in running the football. And we have a huge advantage in time of possession through the first three games."
"Hmmm. So let me get this
straight. Your team is undefeated, right? They're ranked number
15 in the country. They've been climbing in the polls every week for
the past 3 weeks. They're number one in their division.
Your defense is the best in all of college football and your
team ranks in the Top Ten in running the
football, right?"
"I guess
so."
"And you're
depressed?"
"Uh-huh."
"In that case, I have the perfect
cure."
"What's
that?"
"I'm sending you to where I
went to school."
"Where's
that?"
"Utah
State."
**********************************************
MORE MEDIA
NO-NO'S
SNUCK, as in:
"Well Adrian, the
defender snuck up behind him and jarred the ball loose." The word is
sneaked, not snuck. (sneak, sneaked, has sneaked)
TIED
UP, as in:
"Well Adrian,
"Nebraska tied the game up by kicking a field goal".
Did Nebraska use
ribbon or rope to tie up the game? The word is tied, the damn
"up" ain't necessary.
There, I feel better
already.
CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENTS AND
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS
Former President Bill Clinton will
be appearing in a series of print ads promoting the National Glass
Council. Underneath the picture of the ex-president, the caption
says:
"I FEEL YOUR
PANE"
And ABC-TV's Barbara Walters will
be appearing in a televised Public Service Announcement that says:
"DON'T
DWINK AND DWIVE"
THIS JUST
IN
Lincoln police report that someone broke into the
Lincoln city Police Station after the Penn State game late Saturday
night and stole all the bathroom plumbing fixtures. As yet there
aren't any suspects. A somewhat dejected police chief announced
early Sunday morning, "We have nothing to go on."
(Okay, so this an old joke, but so
what.)
JOKE
DEPARTMENT
This is a story Tom Osborne told during a
speech he gave in out state Nebraska back in the 70s.
"Several years ago when Johnny Rodgers was playing
for Nebraska, he got injured during a real close game. I was the
first one on the field to check on him. Johnny was stretched
out on the field and it didn't look good.
'So, how are you feelin'?' I asked.
'I'm okay, but how's the crowd takin'
it?'"
ROSE
BOWL PLEA
Does anyone know how I can get in touch with any of
the players who played on Nebraska's 1941 Rose Bowl game? I would love to
hear from them. Please email me at: [email protected].
Thanks!
QUOTE MAYBE OF THE
YEAR
"Lord has the
potential to be a terrific safety, maybe a good linebacker or even a decent
running back. He also has the potential, as a quarterback, to get his
coach fired."
Al Carter, Dallas Morning
News
You can write Husker Dan at: [email protected]